Brewers 0 Dagenham & Redbridge 1

Dagenham is a place in London. Most of the residents sell fruit for a living. And "a li'l bit a vis an vat". Dagenham & Redbridge are two football teams, which gives them an unfair advantage. Redbridge is another place in London. They walk a bit funny, with the hands clasping their lapels and the knees brought up very high with each step. They are able to do this as they all keep a £20 clenched between their buttocks. Or a "pony". I don't think any of them have a real pony between their buttocks but some may do. Redbridge is made up of three other football teams, namely Cockerknee United, Itwerememuvvas Albion and Queen of Eastenders.

All of the above are facts. Don't bother looking them up on Wiki. I deal only in facts here. A lotta people don't know that.

Another fing baht Daagenemm is they are looked after by a supernatural being; omnipotent, omnipresent and omniscient. While the rest of us have to just manage with the laws of physics, the Daaaagggeerrs have their own personal cockney god who takes time off from killing starving babies in Africa to help them win football matches.

Now some might think this sounds bitter. That the "lemons are particularly sour" today. That I just don't like losing fair and square guv. Nothing could be nearer to the truth. I fully expected Dagenham to beat us today and predicted 0 -2 or even a heavier defeat. The surprise was the manner of the defeat.

Burton made a change to the starting line-up, giving Richard Walker another chance to start up front and Robin Shroot onto the left wing, presumably in both cases to help us to hold the ball better when attacking. Dagenham started brightly and it was clear that they were very fast going forward, very strong and powerful. A stray back-pass from Tony James gifted them the goal in the first half, top scorer Paul Benson nipping-in and tapping the ball home. I felt sure that I saw the hand of an angel gently guide the ball into his path, but maybe it was just the pre-match Pedigree.

It looked like Burton's persistence had finally paid off 15 minutes later when Shroot got behind the defence and sent a ball across the goal. The ball was on the line, "Ronnie" Corbett slid-in and make a connection only to see the ball go sideways and out of play. It was impossible to miss. More divine intervention? Well I'm no expert, but we are sacrificing a goat this evening, just in case.

A few moments later, the Daggers keeper & performance artist Tony Roberts forgot the laws of the game and picked-up a backpass. Indirect free kick in the corner of the 6 yard box. The powerful shot of Ryan Austin. Unstoppable. But the Daggers had other plans. Time froze, the sky went black and a bolt of lightning shot out of the sky deflecting the ball away.

Well into first half stoppage time and Shaun Harrad is pulled down in the box. Penalty. But what's this? Roberts is performing some sort of ritual dance. Harrad is mesmerised and turns into a toad. Toads are rubbish at penalties and Roberts saves easily.

Burton continued to push forward at every opportunity but it was useless against a Dagenham team so possessed by the prince of darkness. On the hour, our own version of "The Beast", Guy Branston lunges at Paul Benson, breaks both of his legs and kills him. Dead. There is only one punishment for murdering a member of the opposition and a red card is dealt. Referee J. Waugh of South Yorkshire takes the number of the beast, which contrary to Revelations is in fact 20.

Then, praise the lord, a miracle! As soon as Guy is off the pitch, Benson is raised from the dead and looks completely uninjured! It's as if nothing happened. But if that doesn't convince you heathens and apostates then the next major incident is proof positive that Richard Dawkins is an idiot and that Einstien made it all up.

A through ball to Greg Pearson, but he looks like he might be offside, a quick glance at the linesman and the flag is down. Pearson takes a touch and looks up again. No flag. He takes the ball forward towards the keeper. No flag. The ball crashes into the net. No flag. The ref blows for the goal. No flag. The PA plays "Tom Hark" and the scoreboard flashes "GOAL!!". At this point the linesman returns from a different space-time continuum through a quantum singularity in the past and gives the offside decision. Stephen Hawkings - eat my faith!