Bournemouth 1 Burton 0

Our shortest seaside trip this season takes us to sunny Bournemouth, it being next door to Boscombe which is in the heart of the Black Country in the West Midlands, which in turn is near Tamworth ("oor roight yow cum frowm Buscum"). Jo drives the Corsa space machine so I am on a near-lethal combination of various exotic psychedelic drugs. As such we are there in no time at all and the only really scary part was the hallucination of Sol Campbell signing for Burton Albion. Of course, I know he would never join a League Two club in reality, so I relax and watch the fairies dance with the orange frog.

Bournemouth is bathed in glorious sunshine on our arrival at the Bay View Court Hotel (a pleasant sea view, but smells faintly of wee. A bit like the Popside.) Time for a stroll along the beach and see what flotsam and jetsam we can pick up. The 1980's thrash metal band of the same name, featuring soon to be Metallica bassist, Jason Newstead, are nowhere to be seen, which is only very slightly disappointing in a "bugger me, it's Jason Newstead on Bournemouth beach!" lost exclamation opportunity.

Classically of course, flotsam and jetsam are two specific types of ocean debris from ships; the jetsam having been "jettisoned" by the crew and the flotsam lost as a result of unintentional loss, like a ship wreck for example. A bit like how Darlington find players.

AFC Bournemouth themselves can't even recruit the debris these days with a transfer embargo in place due to the usual financial gubbins which plagues football teams like swine flu in a lift, but against all odds they are doing very well indeed. Top of the table and putting in some great performances so far, the visit of little Burton Albion had the locals licking their collective salty lips in anticipation.

Scorched and parched, our own lips are mouthing "beer o'clock" and my announcement of a visit to the "Goat & Tricycle" is met by derision. A post-atripolistic remnant of my fevered imagination? At over £3 a pint, I wished it was so we make our way across town towards the ground.

Now Bournemouth is a lovely place and I'm sure the people are mostly a decent law-abiding, C of E and tea with the vicar (rather than C of T and "E" with the vicar) sorts of people, but our walk to the ground introduced us to the dark underbelly of the town. Sex Shops, massage parlours and "health spas" are much in abundance. If ever the collective pronoun "A bunch of.." was ever appropriate it is here. Someone's salty lips are not just due to the sea air. Fortunately, we find a friendly local pub "The Cricketers" before my morality is corrupted and chat with a few "Cherries" fans over a beer. They expect to win. They comment on my grotesque form; short, fat and ugly. They are a bunch of...cherries.

We lose our cherries and make our way to the ground, a three-sided affair like Oxford but with with less of a "once a big club" complex about it. It's a big crowd of over 6,000 - just the ticket for a Brewers side who appear to relish such occasions. Branno is suspended so it's Captain Fantastic Darren Stride who makes his full league debut and his 650th appearance for the club and a deserved start for Russ Penn on the right.

It's a great game, the ref goes off injured and Burton are not overwhelmed. Indeed, they play the better possession football for much of the game despite a very strong, fast and technically proficient Bournemouth team. "Bloody rubbish Albion" comes the shout from one brainless wonder. He must have come on the coach as he would have never made it here on his own. The sort of gormless retard who relishes travelling hundreds of miles to be a miserable, moaning and clueless git. I'm ashamed to sit in the same stand as him. Neither side creates much in front of goal, Greg Pearson hitting wide from a gilt-edged opportunity and "Polski" Krysiek making a the save of the game being the best chances of the day.

It looks like a well-deserved 0 - 0 and our first clean sheet are on the cards until the 86th minute when Cherries striker Brett Pitman takes the ball on his chest 30 yards out and hits a wonderful volley into the top corner. Unstoppable and the cheer that goes around the ground is more relief than anything else. They know they have been lucky today, but that's what happens when you are top of the table.

Losing like that is gutting but there is still a lot to be optimistic about - Russ Penn looked sharp and dangerous and Darren Stride, my man of the match, did not put a foot wrong all game. Still a night-out in Bournemouth to try and enjoy but it leaves a nasty taste in the mouth.

So I hear anyway.

Brewers 0 Dagenham & Redbridge 1

Dagenham is a place in London. Most of the residents sell fruit for a living. And "a li'l bit a vis an vat". Dagenham & Redbridge are two football teams, which gives them an unfair advantage. Redbridge is another place in London. They walk a bit funny, with the hands clasping their lapels and the knees brought up very high with each step. They are able to do this as they all keep a £20 clenched between their buttocks. Or a "pony". I don't think any of them have a real pony between their buttocks but some may do. Redbridge is made up of three other football teams, namely Cockerknee United, Itwerememuvvas Albion and Queen of Eastenders.

All of the above are facts. Don't bother looking them up on Wiki. I deal only in facts here. A lotta people don't know that.

Another fing baht Daagenemm is they are looked after by a supernatural being; omnipotent, omnipresent and omniscient. While the rest of us have to just manage with the laws of physics, the Daaaagggeerrs have their own personal cockney god who takes time off from killing starving babies in Africa to help them win football matches.

Now some might think this sounds bitter. That the "lemons are particularly sour" today. That I just don't like losing fair and square guv. Nothing could be nearer to the truth. I fully expected Dagenham to beat us today and predicted 0 -2 or even a heavier defeat. The surprise was the manner of the defeat.

Burton made a change to the starting line-up, giving Richard Walker another chance to start up front and Robin Shroot onto the left wing, presumably in both cases to help us to hold the ball better when attacking. Dagenham started brightly and it was clear that they were very fast going forward, very strong and powerful. A stray back-pass from Tony James gifted them the goal in the first half, top scorer Paul Benson nipping-in and tapping the ball home. I felt sure that I saw the hand of an angel gently guide the ball into his path, but maybe it was just the pre-match Pedigree.

It looked like Burton's persistence had finally paid off 15 minutes later when Shroot got behind the defence and sent a ball across the goal. The ball was on the line, "Ronnie" Corbett slid-in and make a connection only to see the ball go sideways and out of play. It was impossible to miss. More divine intervention? Well I'm no expert, but we are sacrificing a goat this evening, just in case.

A few moments later, the Daggers keeper & performance artist Tony Roberts forgot the laws of the game and picked-up a backpass. Indirect free kick in the corner of the 6 yard box. The powerful shot of Ryan Austin. Unstoppable. But the Daggers had other plans. Time froze, the sky went black and a bolt of lightning shot out of the sky deflecting the ball away.

Well into first half stoppage time and Shaun Harrad is pulled down in the box. Penalty. But what's this? Roberts is performing some sort of ritual dance. Harrad is mesmerised and turns into a toad. Toads are rubbish at penalties and Roberts saves easily.

Burton continued to push forward at every opportunity but it was useless against a Dagenham team so possessed by the prince of darkness. On the hour, our own version of "The Beast", Guy Branston lunges at Paul Benson, breaks both of his legs and kills him. Dead. There is only one punishment for murdering a member of the opposition and a red card is dealt. Referee J. Waugh of South Yorkshire takes the number of the beast, which contrary to Revelations is in fact 20.

Then, praise the lord, a miracle! As soon as Guy is off the pitch, Benson is raised from the dead and looks completely uninjured! It's as if nothing happened. But if that doesn't convince you heathens and apostates then the next major incident is proof positive that Richard Dawkins is an idiot and that Einstien made it all up.

A through ball to Greg Pearson, but he looks like he might be offside, a quick glance at the linesman and the flag is down. Pearson takes a touch and looks up again. No flag. He takes the ball forward towards the keeper. No flag. The ball crashes into the net. No flag. The ref blows for the goal. No flag. The PA plays "Tom Hark" and the scoreboard flashes "GOAL!!". At this point the linesman returns from a different space-time continuum through a quantum singularity in the past and gives the offside decision. Stephen Hawkings - eat my faith!

Burton 3 Derby 0 (NIL, NOUGHT, ZERO)

It's ONLY a reserve fixture. It's ONLY a game. It's ONLY Direby, but in whatever game, for whatever reason, in whatever circumstances, you just gotta enjoy beating the sheepshaggers.

In this, our inaugural season in the Central League, and having already beaten Sheffield Wednesday at Hillsborough, our Reserves face their strongest competition ever. The opportunities for the players on the fringes of the first team squad, the budding youth teamers and the hopeful trialists are clear and so far, Gary Rowett appears to have done an excellent job.

Shane Redmond gets another chance to prove himself in the Albion goal, Stride, "Freezer" Goodfellow, Webster & Knowles have yet to really prove themselves this season int he first team andthere are a few trialists on show too.

We have seen former Ram Richard Jackson at right back and Aaron Brown in central defence before. Aaron in particular looked very strong in the "behind closed doors" friendly away at Ilkeston the other week which we managed to sneak into. Also back looking for a contract are Dutch pair, former Galatasary player Ferdi Elmas and Nick van "Dyke" Eijsden. Yet another Congolese player also makes an appearance tonight in the shape of Serge Makofo.

Derby reserves contain a few apparently famous names who apparently are rather good. I could look them up, but why bother. They were rubbish and didn't look bothered so why should I? All that money they get paid to do nothing has clearly left them apathetic and wasteful. In goal for Derby is Saul Deeney who we got rid of last season because he was so bad. The fact he is captain made it all the more ridiculous.

Let's not underestimate the Brewers here though. Goals from Elmas and Van "Dyke" must again raise a few questions as to whether we can really afford to push our budget that little bit further and make another signing. I'd question the idea of this whilst we still appear to not get very good home attendances, although I'd love to see either or both of these players at The Rubberdome as they have something a little bit special.

Albion's 3rd was a typically well taken effort by the excellent Russell Penn who has been unlucky not to play more first team football as yet. His time will come I am sure, although Radio Direby's Colin Gibson insisted on calling him "Sean Penn". Idiot.

Colin Gibson is one of the Direby fans who thinks that Burton are nothing more than a minor irritation to their plans for world football domination. They will no doubt be very quick to mention that this was "only a reserve fixture" etc.

Three- Nil to The Albion.

Let's all point and laugh at Derby.

Bradford 1 Brewers 1

The last time we visited Bradford was in 1995 in the first round of the FA Cup. We were a little non-league club playing in the Doc Martens Southern Premier League and Bradford City were the "giants" of League 2 and destined to become a Premiership team in 3 seasons time. It was a thrilling encounter with 6 goals (two from Albion legend Darren Stride, still club captain) in the first part of the game and Burton holding on at 3-3 until the final few minutes. Bradford's Ian Ormandroyd then mis-kicked a ball against the floor only to see it loop over the Burton keeper and into the goal. Jammy sods. Burton's Dougie Keast then hit the bar with the shot from outside the box. Jammy buggers. And we lost 4-3.


Our return on Saturday was with us as league new boys (How long do we keep that tag for I wonder?) and at very different looking surroundings. Half of Bradford's ground would not look out of place in the Premiership - towering multi-tiered stands down one side and across the goal. The rest looks like Accrington Stanley - the players emerging from a little shed to one side of the pitch. They must have forgotten to build new changing rooms into the massive superstructure when they built it.


I'm backseat driver today and annoy the hell out of Evans and Colston by informing them that, according to "Twatnav", they are going the wrong way and adding literally minutes to our journey. We are losing valuable drinking time here after all. Col finds a parking space near the ground but is very politely asked to move by a "local" who looks bigger than the three of us, as it is "his" parking space. We visit Haigey's Bar, which has (like most pubs in the area) Bradford fans spilling out onto the street. They are a friendly bunch though (probably as they don't see us, or our team as any sort of threat) and two pints of "Snake Oil" later we are ready for the short walk to the ground.


Only 400 or so Brewers have made the relatively short trip, which is disappointing, especially in a crowd of almost 12,000. "Is that all you take away?" (Clearly, yes.), "You must have come on a skateboard" (Clever), "There's only two of you singing" (In-tune anyway), "You're just a small town near Derby" (Ouch!) are a selection of the chants we endure or enjoy.


The only surprise in the line-up is the inclusion of Maghoma in place of Jimmy Phillips. We hope he is just having a rest and not injured.


First half and the Brewers look short on sharpness and pace and Bradford's midfield and forwards are finding gaps and getting at us but with little result. "it's a good job they're shit" I comment on more than one occasion, as they rarely test Kyrsiek in goal. Our few and far-between opportunities result in a couple of scuffed shots at goal and we appear to be struggling to get into our usual passing and posession game.


A nothing attack from Bradford leads to their goal as John ("Ohh Arr John McGrath") McGrath and Guy ("The Beast") Branston look at the ball in front of them and completely fail to do anything (like KICK IT! for example) leaving a simple tap-in for Gareth Evans (who is rubbish, let's be honest here) on 24 minutes. Rubbish he may be, but we are slightly more rubbish and go in at half-time 1 down and not looking likely to make an impact.


Not to worry. We never really expected anything out of this game. Bradford are on a winning streak and have the team and the infrastructure to expect to be in the promotion places come the end of the season. Last week was the equivalent of Man City vs Burnley. This is more like Liverpool vs Stoke City in Premiership terms. Evans buys me a Yorkie so things can't be that bad.


Second half sees Pesch trying out his "super subs" tactic once again, with the introduction of Robin Shroot for "Ronnie" Corbett, and last weeks goal hero Richard Walker for Greg Pearson and Marc Goodfellow for Jacques Maghoma. Walker makes an instant impact, getting to the ball first, holding it up back to goal to allow Harrad and McGrath more space coming forward and causing panic in the Bradford penalty area. It is he that creates the opening, cutting back for the superbly placed Paul Boertian on the left of the area to hit a curling shot into the far top corner - his fourth ever goal in 200 league appearances.



After that, it is just a matter of hanging-on for the point, although we still look to push forward and had the chance of nicking all three points when Harrad shot over the bar from Walker's cross and later when Shroot almost provided a gilt-edged chance in the closing minutes. A great point nevertheless - that's 2 in 2 games which we didn't expect. Back home to the Rubberdome next week to face high-flying Dagenham & Redbridge. Shirely it's unfair to have to play two teams at the same time? We shall see.

Derren Brown - The Lottery

I was really pleased to see that we had a new series of Derren Brown stuff on Channel 4 in September. I've followed his work for a few years and have always been impressed with his talent. I know that a lot of people don't like his arrogance, but for me it's a character trait which I find quite endearing. And it's just showmanship - like most of the stuff he does, it's not real.

For those of you who have never heard of the man, he is a magician. he claims never to use "stooges" or plants in his audiences and uses techniques of mis-direction, psychology, memory and conjuring tricks. He has always consistently denied that there is any such thing as being hypnotised and has said that he is no psychic and does not have any special abilities like those claimed by such charlatans. Nevertheless, his work is often jaw-dropping and leaves you mesmerised.

His most recent show started on Wednesday night, just before the lottery draw. he claimed to have already picked the 6 numbers which he hoped would match the 6 numbers drawn, he showed the lottery draw live on a TV and then showed us the 6 balls which had been sitting on a stand next to him all along. He got all 6 right. And then he told us that on Friday, he would explain how he did it. Look at it here on you tube if you missed it.

In the "explanation" programme, Derren took us through how people can be influenced to make certain choices when they are in heightened emotional states (especially fear), then went on to talk about patterns observable in random events (e.g. the toss of a coin) and then went off into a lot of gumph about "higher mathematics" and using a group of people to predict the numbers of the lottery using "Automatic Writing" and averaging up the results to give one prediction. He led his audience to believe this is how he "predicted" the 6 numbers for the Wednesday night lottery.

My first impressions are that he is taking the piss out of stupid people here. People will actually believe this stuff. Quite a few already believe in ghosts, talking to dead people, UFOs, alien abductions, virgin births, creation myths and that killing westerners in acts of terrorism will earn you lots of children to rape when you get to heaven as your reward. People are very stupid. If this is evidence enough, read some of the opinions on the Burton Albion message board after a defeat.

Derren Brown did NOT predict the numbers of the lottery. He made us THINK he had.

How did he do it? I don't know. If I knew, I might be as rich and famous as him. But here is the evidence:

a) There is a 14 million to one chance of guessing the six numbers. As Derren himself says, a healthy man has more chance of dying during the draw than actually winning it.

b) Guessing the six numbers on that particular night when the cameras were rolling? Even longer odds.

c) He never revealed the numbers to us before the lottery was drawn. He made an excuse that the BBC wouldn't allow it. This is rubbish. He was giving his prediction, not the actual numbers. And when he did this you could not buy a ticket as the machines had closed so there is no way it would interfere with the result.

d) He looks genuinely nervous and excited. Why? He's been planning it for months, it's live on TV, he'd risk getting it wrong? No way. All showmanship to make it more believable to the gullible.

e) In the explanation programme, he never shows his group of "special" people the actual numbers either - he works the averages out for himself and secretly selects the balls.

f) In the clip the camera is a handheld as we can see the shake. Nothing on the "set" moves. Why not use a fixed camera and avoid the camera shake?

g) In his own book "Tricks of the Mind", Derren debunks myths about probability and chance, automatic writing and so-called "higher mathematics".

h) In the explanation programme he tells us that his system "only works if it is not used for profit". Appealing to the religious morality of supernatural beliefs perhaps?

So what is Derren trying to do here? I think we need to watch the rest of the series as I suspect that he will have a wider and more important message for us. His next show is called "Control the Nation". I suspect that the whole series is about how we are "sold" information and that we rarely question it. Sceptics everywhere will be wearing their "I told you so" t-shirts. I must get mine out of the wash.

The pies, the pies...

Our shortest journey to an away game means we can go via public transport today. We can just hop on a bus at the end of the road and drive straight into Nottingham City Centre. Perfect. Except for all of the other people who decided to travel from Ilkeston to Nottingham at the same bloody time on the same bloody bus. We end up penned-in like battery hens between a group of giggling, mobile phone obsessed teenage girls and a family of Neanderthals who appear to need to shout at each other, swear at everything and berate their screaming children for not eating their Greggs pasties.

This doesn't bode well for an enjoyable day. Thrashed 5 - 1 by Chesterfield in the week and about to play against the richest club in the league - who are unbeaten and unscored-against at home this season. Notts County are the oldest football league club and we are the youngest. And I fear, like the scruffy kids on the bus, we are in for a slapping.

We dismount and wander down to the King William IV near the Ice Stadium for a quick pint of something rare and delicious before the walk to the ground. As we get nearer I realise just how close the two football grounds in Nottingham really are; Forest's City Ground just over the water from The Magpies' Meadow Lane. Smaller than the City ground but still impressive to someone used to travelling to Vauxhall Motors and Leigh RMI over the past few years.

There is a definate excited buzz about the place; 'pies supporters in their black & white stripes are in abundance and it's great to see so many youngsters and families enthusiastically supporting their club. Burton have been given the Jimmy Sirrell Stand, dedicated to County's most famous and influential manager - a Brian Clough character of sorts who took them into the old League 1 (now The Premiership) in 1980-81. There are about 1,800 Brewers who have made the trip over which is not a bad turn-out. The atmosphere is electric and expectation is high amongst the home fans; we appear just to be here for the party. Former Arsenal, Spurs and England player Sol Campbell is paraded onto the pitch before the match - a new signing for moneybags Notts and a sign of things to come for the club now bankrolled by a multi-millionaire oil baron with a penchant for wearing tea-towels and from a country where human rights mean very little if you are gay, female or just happen believe in the wrong type of sky pixie (or none at all for that matter). Sven Goran-Erricson is also at the club. Like Sol, he went to Notts County for the passion, the heritage, the challenge. The 5 yr £200,000 a week contract was just a bonus obviously.

Anyways, on the football:

It's a bright start for "You Pies" but Burton are playing much deeper than in previous games, defending from the front row and limiting Notts to moving the ball about in their own area. It's not pretty, but it's effective and keeping a clean sheet today would be a major achievement for the Brewers. We go in at half-time nil-nil and most of us in the away end will go home happy with that. The natives are looking restless though and even the stewards seem to want to try and take it out on a few young Brewers fans who are doing no more than shout "Boo" Notts striker Lee Hughes - infamous for causing the death of a poor bloke when he couldn't be bothered to walk to the pub.

Second half and we go one-nil down to a ball over the top chipped-in from outside the box. It's clearly offside. Miles in fact. A dead-cert, stonewall, definate offside which only a man with a mixed green salad for a brain could have missed. Mr Lettuce of Tewksbury misses it. But that's only the tip of the iceberg.

Notts have adopted the standard League 2 tactic used when the wind is blowing away from you. "Kick the ball very hard in the air towards the opposition goal and run very fast after it." must have been Sven's inspiring team talk at half time. Ulrika Johnson taught him everything he knows about football.

Burton soak up the pressure like a hot bath and despite Mr Cos missing out on the fact that "5 pints" Hughes was sat on top of the cross bar, he failed to raise his flag. The Burton crowd gave him the dressing down he deserved.

Peschisolido reinforces the Burton team with three substitutes and we look to go forward more, in search of an elusive point. John McGrath sets-up Richard Walker on the left, who cuts in past his marker, turns and shoots and hits the top corner of the net. Uuuuuuuuu-llllll-ri-ka-ka-ka-ka! Pandemonium in the Jimmy Sirrell stand as we celebrate like we've won the World Cup and the rest of the ground goes very quiet indeed. Maghoma still had time to see a shot bounce off the inside of the post in injury time but in reality, a draw is what the game deserved and we go home the happier bunch of supporters.

After the game, one group of Magpies fans are stating that they "Made Burton look good" and that "Wait until Sol is match fit". In the words of Lance Corporal Jones, "They don't like it up 'em Captain Mainwaring".

Spireites

Chesterfield is a lovely little town in the north of Derbyshire. One of it's most famous landmarks is the "Crooked Spire" of St Mary's Church in the centre of the town. There are legends associated with this impressive structure, but the most made-up and apocryphal of them all, is that it will straighten again as soon as the local football team score 6 goals away from home.
The Dulux Dog Tin Pot Cup is a competition which allows rubbish football teams to play at Wembley. As such, Chesterfield and Burton competed last night in the first round of this, unlike the spire, pointless event.
Hardly any of the Burton fans bothered to turn-up to the non-event, though clearly there is little to do in Chesterfield apart from looking at the sky, so quite a few of those made the journey, clad in their 1980's hairstyles and N.C.B donkey jackets.
Unfortunately Burton Albion also failed to turn-up. A gutless and shambolic display of disorganised, pedestrian defending helped The Spireites to tear us apart for 90 minutes. A second -half goal from "Ooh Arr" John McGrath might have given some impetous to push on, but even that didn't inspire the pathetic bunch of losers who are not fit to wear a yellow shirt unless it is the yellow shirt of cowardice.
In the end, we were thrashed 5 - 1. I'm sure another one went over the line, but the unfit assistant referee had about as much luck keeping up with Chesterfield's forward line as our back four.
It's his fault that the spire stays crooked. And Burton can "concentrate on the league". Rubbish.

Burton 3 Cobblers 2

I didn't see all of the film "Goal" on Bank Holiday Monday, but I did manage to catch the predictable ending where the "hero" scores the winning goal and his girlfriend (played by the utterly convincing Anna Friel) in the crowd cries and all of his team mates take back what they said about him being a useless donkey in training. I still cried, which surprised me. Suspension of disbelief may be necessary in fiction but having Newcastle United actually winning something tested it somewhat. You could tell Alan Shearer was acting though as he didn't actually elbow anybody in the face.
On Saturday, Northampton Town left -back, Billy McKay DID elbow "Ronnie" Corbett in the face. Twice. The ref didn't see it. Twice. But as one wag on the terrace at the Rubberdome commented after the match. "What do you call a Brewers player with two black eyes? Nothing, You've already told him twice."
Perhaps McKay was a little annoyed at his team going 3 goals down to a rampant Burton Albion side within the first 12 minutes of the game. I was only 2 bites into my pre-match pie when Shaun Harrad chased down a loose back-pass to the Cobblers goalkeeper, took it off his toes and neatly slotted into an empty net. One nil.
Minutes later Michael "Simmo" Simpson drilled a hopeful ball into the box which deflected off Greg Pearson's chest and past a hapless Chris Dunn to make it two nil.
I'm still searching for a trace of steak dna in my pie when Jimmy Phillips goes past 3 players, finds Simmo in space with a pinpoint accurate cross and the ball is smashed home. Three nil. 12 minutes gone. And that was that.
Except Northampton were looking for a Hollywood ending of their own and, the wind at their backs, pulled 2 back in the second half after an aerial bombardment and a questionable penalty. Burton held out to claim the three points and move back up to 8th in the table.
Next week we visit moneybags Notts County to enjoy the company of Sol Campbell & Sven Goran Ericson for the afternoon. I wonder what the 'pies are like?