Darlington 1 Burton 0

On the way to the match we got stuck on the M1. Closed between junctions 29 and 31 due to an accident. Must be serious. Southbound is also closed due to another accident at the same place. Coincidence? Hardly. It's your typical rubbernecking accident. I very nearly ran into the back of bloke's car on the M42 the other day because he STOPPED to look at someone being removed from a car on the opposite carriageway. What do these people hope to see? A severed head rolling across the road? A body splattered against the back of a truck? Burning severed limbs being scattered over the hard shoulder? If you want to look at that sort of stuff then why not look it up on the internet? Being a sick pervert is OK as long as you don't hurt anyone else, so stop at home on your own and look at mutilated corpses if you like but DON'T HOLD UP MY JOURNEY!

Little was I to know that the Burton performance today was destined to be a road accident of a very different kind, and that i would have to watch the whole damn thing in multi-technicolour 3D.

Boldmere St Michaels 0 Burton 3 (BSC Round 2)

'Twas a cold and misty night and your our intrepid blogger did venture into the West Midlands. St Michaels of Boldmere was our destination; a land of sloping pitches and funny accents in the deepest and darkest corners of non-league football.

Yes, it's my favourite cup competition, The Birmingham Senior Cup 2nd Round which follows our scintillating display at the mighty Coleshill Town. I'm amazed at how unpopular this competition is for most Brewers fans - local games, cheap admission and an opportunity to watch players you have never heard of, exposed to the elements in true grass roots tradition.

Boldmere is a lovely little ground; the club house behind one goal is built next to the pitch so that there is a strange covered standing area where you can view the match through little brick windows. The only other cover is a seated area down one side, the other two sides being exposed. Like Coleshill, it's basic but welcoming. There are few Brewers here and I take my place next to the dug outs, resplendent in suit and club tie. (I'd been to court earlier, something to do with pretending to run Bury fans out of town? I plead insanity).

Earlier in the evening, I popped into the Bishop Vesey Pub up the road and enjoyed a delightful pint of Adnams Special Pale. 3.2% well-balanced, refreshing and tasty. It has nothing to do with the football, but I just thought I would mention it.

OK. Let's be honest here. I could have taken a pen and pad and actually listened to the PA announcement. I could have looked at the chalkboard which listed the players. I could have asked for a copy of the team sheets. But I didn't. And I don't know ANY of the Boldmere players (0ne was called Stu. I'm sure I heard someone shout "Stu!") and I know hardly any of the youth teamers and/or trialists who featured heavily in tonight's team. I know. I'm crap.

Having said that, if you are reading this blog for accurate information, then you're in the wrong place anyway. The fact both the official site and CTMD appear to have got the scorers wrong for this match makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. Ha!

So here goes: Shane Redmond in goal, Darren Stride at Centre Back and I think Grocott was also in the back four. Freeza Goodfellow on the right wing, Serge Makofo in midfield and up front, James Knowles and Greg Pearson. The others and the subs - I forget or didn't bother to even think about. They look like youth teamers to me.

Boldmere start the brightest, and it's a busy opening 30 mins before Goodfellow is brought down in the box and Pearson scores from the resulting penalty. One Nil.

5 minutes later, one of our lads is fouled and the BSM player gets a straight red (I thought it was a second yellow at first but the bloke next to me insists it's a red), possibly for kicking out after the foul.

On the stroke of half time, Pearson heads wide, but James Knowles deflects the ball in with a header of his own to make it 2 - Nil. NOT a Pearson goal as reported elsewhere.

Second half, Boldmere get a penalty for a handball, but they hit the post and the ball is cleared. Burton are now on top of the game. The Boldmere manager maons and groans at every decision which doesn't go his team's way. "He's [the ref's] giving nothing" he shouts to one of his players "You've got the wrong colour shirt on". Didn't he just award you a penalty you bloody idiot?

20 minutes into the second half, Pearson scores a lovely effort; back to goal, he half turns and volleys into the roof of the net. 3 nil.

My man of the match was Goodfellow who always looked dangerous going forward on the right wing, but Pearson was instrumental in all of our attacking plays. A decent night out and we are now into the draw for the quarter finals. Yippee!

Burton 3 Oxford City 2 (FA Cup 1st Round)

There was a time when an FA Cup match at Burton would bring in the crowds. All of the casual, armchair supporters would usually make the effort to come, watch the match with the biggest crowd of the season, watch Burton lose, moan about how Burton are "bloody rubbish" and then bugger off back to their armchairs never to be seen again until the next FA Cup match. Now it seems that unless we are playing Man Utd no-one is that bothered. Our part-time supporters have been spoiled. Chelsea in the 3rd round? "Oh I'm not going to watch that rubbish", Real Madrid in the European Cup? "I'll watch the highlights on the telly", Boca Juniors in the World Club Championship "Why are we playing Boca's Youth Team?".
Our automatic entry into the 1st round proper should have been a cause for great excitement, but alas only the usual hardy couple of thousand made the effort. On a Sunday as well. Who does anything on a Sunday? "Fucking bunch of apathetic wankers." is what I heard someone say about the Burton public, but I'm not sure I'd use such offensive terminology myself.

This was an opportunity for us to be "Giant killed" as opposed to "giant killers" which makes a change. Burton Albion? Giants? Hardly. But the boot was on the other foot and the game almost went to plan in that respect.

Oxford City are the the "other" little non-league club in Oxford, although they have four sides to their ground, which is unusual in that part of the world. Three leagues below us and I feared the worst. We should beat them, but cup football has a funny way of biting arrogance on the arse.
As it happened, they were the better team on the day - they passed better and looked the more dangerous throughout. Their travelling band of supporters (no doubt with a few United fans to make up the numbers) were more vociferous and The Brewers looked out of sorts all game.

They score first after only a few minutes, former Brewer (well for 20 minutes) Michael Alexis hitting one from 18 yards which Polski let run through his grasp. The equaliser came a little while after; Harrad had no chance of getting up to a high ball in the box but his marker pushed him in the back as he jumped and, although soft, a clear penalty. A pointless challenge right in front of the ref. Harrad takes it and scores for a change.
Burton start to look like they might take control of the game (in a hit it and hope sort of way) and "What's that coming over the hill? Is it Maghoma? Is it Maghoma?" Yes it is! Burton finally get the ball on the floor for a bit and start to move it around, Michael Simpson slots a through ball and Maghoma finishes well to make it 2 - 1 at half-time. This is where you think, "Ok, they have started brightly, that's to be expected. We're back on track now, we should get another second half and finish this game off"

But Oxford City are made of much sterner stuff. After the break it is they who take control of the game and the so-called better players of the Albion spend a lot of time chasing shadows as wave after wave of City attacks have to be smothered out by an over-worked Albion back four. Their goal when it comes is well-taken, but resulted from very soft defending. Burton completely fail to deal with a long throw, the ball is crossed and Jamie Brooks is completely unmarked to simply head into an open goal; keeper Krysiek doesn't move.

So it's a well-deserved replay at Oxford? We fear they will get another and it's all hands on deck to keep them out. 5 minutes of injury time and in the final couple of minutes, Oxford do what all non-league teams are expected to do and screw it up.

Serge Makofo is running for the corner flag. If they had seen him play before they would know that leaving him to fall over his own boots would be the best option here. Like the push on Harrad in the first half, doing nothing would have been better. Ballard, already booked, makes a suicidal tackle - not nasty or dangerous, but late and clearly meant to stop the runner. He is walking off the pitch before the red card is produced. The resulting free kick is a text book training ground set-piece. Simpson flights the ball in from the left and Ryan Austin rises just like a rhino doesn't to glance the ball into the net. 3 - 2.

Oxford deserved a draw at least. But despite their dominance for long periods they were there own worst enemy at crucial moments. Still, they should feel proud of their achievements. Burton breathe a sigh of relief. To play badly and win is actually a good sign so they say. A great game for the neutral but a pain in the arse for a Brewers fan.

Burton 0 Bury 0

I remember the last time we played Bury. FA Cup 1st round in 1979. I was 11. I probably didn't tell my mum and dad where I was going that day. Good job really. I don't remember much about the game except we lost. My most abiding memory was the violence. And sadly I remember being very excited by it all. It all started, I think when the Bury fans tried to "take" the Brook End (this was at Eton Park of course and there was indeed a brook which you had to cross to get to the turnstiles. Now of course, you have to cross the same brook to get into the Pop Side at Pirelli. Perhaps we should call it the Brookside).

Well "taking the brook end" was not going to happen and there were runs and scuffles and all manner of nastiness and the police were greatly outnumbered. After the match people ran onto the pitch towards the Bury fans and I joined in. I'm not sure what I thought I was going to do or what might happen by it seemed like a good idea at the time. Leaving the ground at the gates which opened onto Eton Park rec we spilled out onto the Road, through the Eton estate, up Derby Road, and up Waterloo Street towards the rail station. "Running them out of town" I think it is called. One bloke, clearly a Burton "fan", grabbed a brick off an open backed truck and hurled through a front window in Waterloo Street. Right in front of me. Even at 11 years old, I thought this was senseless. Perhaps that's why I never really got into that sort of thing.

Looking through the forums (not the CTMD Forum of course, or "Twat Forum" as I like to call it) prior to the match, there were signs that some of the older Bury fans remembered that day. Comments about "going to Burton in a tank" and "wear a bullet proof vest". Funny how you can get a reputation in 1979 and still keep it. Not that it put many Bury fans off - they were spilling onto the car park at the Beech before the match. And a friendly bunch as well from what I could see and contributed to our biggest home attendance of the season at 3,373.

Nil -Nil draws often sound like they might be drab, boring affairs but this was something different entirely. Two extremely well-drilled defences and attacking shaped midfields battled for 90 plus minutes. The play went one way and then the other and, although scoring opportunities were limited, either side could have got the goal which may well have won the match.

Shaun Harrad should perhaps have scoredon 38 mins when Walker's shot was parried by the Bury keeper but Shaun was unable to get much on the rebound and shot high. Two defenders perhaps were the stars of the show: Efe Sodje for Bury was immense and we could get nothing past him. The fact we spent most of the 1st half firing balls at Walkers head rather than to his feet meant that Sodje perhaps had an easier time of it than he should have. For Burton, Guy "The Beast" Branston once again proved his early season doubters wrong with an almost faultless performance - his one error cleared by the ever improving Ryan Austin. My man of the match though was Jacques Maghoma who was creative and industrious all day and kept Bury on their toes throughout.

At the end of the game, I ran down Derby Road towards the Rail Station, my scarf tied to my wrist, chanting "All I want is a walking stick, a hand grenade and a building brick..."

No-one got hurt.

Halloween

Halloween is now something which we traditionally celebrate in this country even though most of us haven't got the foggiest idea why. The current "trick or treat" celebrations appear to have crossed the Atlantic from the United States where they go for it in a really big way. Which is somewhat surprising, given that USA has an abundance of population who think that the world is 6,000 years old, Jesus' mum never had sex and that brown people go to hell for being, well, brown.

Halloween or "All hallows eve" does of course fall before the Christian "All Saints Day". Not content with having a special day for each of these minor deities, they have one big PAR-TAY for the whole lot of them. And why not? You don't become a Saint for nothing - you have to die first for a start - and all that stained glass doesn't come cheap.

So Halloween is a celebration of what? The early Christian church's persecution of young female rape victims as witches? A demonstration of the evil on earth, from which you can only be saved by being buggered by a Roman Catholic priest?

There is, of course, the early Pagan festivals from this time of year, like Samhain, Calan Gaeaf and Hop-tu Naa, which celebrate the coming of darker days and remembrance of the dead. These were days when people would worship whatever the gods they liked in whatever way they liked. This usually involved drinking, smoking intoxicating herbs and having sex with each other. And jolly popular such festivals were.

Of course the Christians couldn't have all of this enjoying yourself, so they promptly hijacked all of our pagan festivals and invented Christian ones to fall at the same time, so that the drunken, illiterate and frankly stupid population could just get on with it but apparently in the name of this new monotheistic entity who will forgive all of our transgressions, or send us to burn in eternal hell depending on whether you say the right thing or not.

As Tom Jones used to say, this sort of thing was not unusual. The winter festival of Yule - oh we'll call that Christmas ("Wasn't Jesus born in June?" "Shhhh!"). The Spring Equinox? We'll call that Easter (they even move the date depending on the sequence of the moon - VERY biblical that. What date did Jesus die exactly?) and there are many more.

There are still quite a few "fundies" who get all hot and bothered about Halloween, exposing our children to "evil spirits" and the like. Now frankly, I couldn't give a rat's 'nads about it. But anything that upsets fundamentalists from ANY religion gets my vote. In your Pumpkin face, god!

Chesterfield 5 Burton 2

A thousand Brewers made the trip to North Derbyshire and the land of the crooked spire. I used to live in Chesterfield but never made the time to watch the local football team. I was always driving miles down the road to watch Burton Albion instead.

I didn't miss much. This ground would probably get the club kicked out of the Conference never mind the league, though to be fair, a new ground should be ready for next season.

We are left on a crumbling open terrace with open-air toilets and a tea bar which makes my garden shed look palatial.

The last time we played Chesterfield at our place in the Auto Windscreens Trophy they thrashed us, 5 goals and could have a had a lot more, we looked completely out of place and they looked dangerous and fast every time they got the ball.

The exclusive VIP areas of the Saltergate Ground.

Of course, Burton have got much better since those early days of our virgin season and we have seen us build a solid defence to support our creative attacking play. No-one expected a thrashing today.

Very soon after kick-off you knew that it was going to be a bad day and as The Spireites went 2 nil up, there was a real sense that today was going to be a bad day at the office. Yet again, they destroyed us all over the pitch. It was quite depressing. So what to do when your team are getting thrashed? Take the piss out of the stewards and home fans of course!

The Chesterfield faithful go wild as the fifth goal goes in whilst the stewards get ready for the Brewers fans to "kick-off" on the terraces.

Despite being all over us and scoring five goals, the Chesterfield fans were, well, miserable. I'd hate to see them when they lose; the sound of wrists being cut must echo across the desolate landscape, only interrupted momentarily by the tolling of the bell in a bent church.

From "Diary of a Spirey"

"Ehh bugger, football team only won five-two and I won the lottery. But pits are still shut and Thatcher is still alive. I think I'll drink some bleach."

Perhaps the funniest thing was the amount of stewards and police who were there apparently to keep the animal Brewers fans contained and to prevent mass civil disorder breaking out. Every time one of the seven goals went in, thousands of the hi-viz soldiers descended upon us awaiting a pitch invasion, sporadic violence and spontaneous human combustion. Each time, not one of a thousand odd Brewers fans moved and the stewards and police looked - stupid. Superfluous and unnecessary, they even had more of them in dug outs along the length of the pitch, presumably reinforcements. "Come on Pru, it's all kicking-off in the Burton end!"

So we laughed at them. Pointed and laughed. And they tried to pretend they couldn't see us. And we laughed even more. I took photos and you can tell one of them was thinking "Is that illegal? Can I throw him out for that? Did he just call me a silly sausage? Is that racist?"

Rubbish match, rubbish ground, rubbish Brewers performance but a right laugh.

Burton 2 Barnet 0

Well. Another three points. That's erm... a few we have now. Yep, it's only Barnet, but they are actually one of the better sides we have faced this season at the Rubberdome and this wasn't plain sailing.

We meet up in the bar with Andy B when I get the text saying that Macca is stuck on the M18 and Maghoma will start. We debate whether Russ Penn would be a better option to start - we're not convinced by Jacques. I'm most disappointed that the Burton Boys have still not sang my Maghoma song yet ("What's that coming over the hill, is it Maghoma? Is it Maghoma?").

I wonder why McGrath is stuck on the M18. Did he stop in Cleethorpes all week, eating fish and chips and playing on the mud with his bucket and spade? It's suggested that perhaps he lives that way, but I dismiss this as obvious rubbish. It's clearly a seaside rock fixation.

Aaron Webster gets his first football league start in place of the injured Boertian and it's great to see him back, although he has a tough act to follow.

Barnet look very dangerous but 8 minutes in that man Jacques Maghoma sends us into the lead - Walker playing him in on the edge of the box and he fires in off the post. Great goal. Can I hear that song? No.

The Burton Boys DO sing "It's just like watching Brazil". One of mine, shirley?

After that chances are few and far between and we allow The Bees to get too much initiative. The ref even stops play while a couple of them change their boots. It's a times like this that I really wished I did Ian Hawkins' job on the PA. "The 4th Official has announced there will be 6 minutes of extra time so that the southern softies can change their boots". Or even "The 4th Official has announced there will be a few minutes extra for absolutely bugger all. I have no idea what the tosser is doing either". I wouldn't have the job for long but think how much fun I could have. "This is the Rubberdome, this is League 2 and this is The Brewers and a bunch of cheating cloggers from god knows where. They look like a bunch of pikeys, oh shit, I think I've lost my wallet."

We hold on and Pesch decides on a 4 -5-1 formation, initially with Walker dropping back and later (late being the operative word here) McGrath replacing Pearson leaving Walker on his own up front. Glad you could make it Macca.

78 minutes and we gain a free kick 30 yards out and pretty central. Looks like a perfect Rhino-ball situation, and Ryan Austin dutifully steps up and smacks the ball 10 yards wide. Fortunately it hits a Barnet defender and deflects into the net to make it 2 - 0.

Not pretty but we go up to 8th in the league - equalling our highest position yet. IF we maintain our current points average per game we would finish with 73/74 points which last season would have placed us into the play-offs. Of course, this is all conjecture and football doesn't generally work like that. However, we have played some of the big teams already and our current form indicates that this is going to be a great season to be Brewer. Even better than last season? It is already!

Next week we visit the land of the crooked spire. Have your passports ready. I'm glad I'm out of Ilkeston(where I live) for the day as they will host Tamworth (my place of work) in the FA Cup 4th Qualifying round. Ilkeston in the first round of the FA Cup would do me just fine so ahem...Come on you Robins!

Grimsby 1 Burton 2

We travel up to Cleethorpes (or "Greater Grimsby" as Austin Mitchell used to call it) with Colston for company today, who is forced to sit in the back, listen to heavy rock music and be guided by "twat nav". I'm looking forward to the fish and chips mostly. In fact, Jo and myself have skipped breakfast to ensure that we are ready for what should be the best fish and chips in the known universe.

However, our first port of call is Cleethorpes Railway Station, right next to the "beach" - The No.2 Refreshment House is a pub plonked right at the end of the platform. Not to be confused with the much more easily found No. 1, No.2 is a real ale haven. Not surprisingly we meet up with a few fellow Brewers fans and also John, a mate of Colston who has come on the train from Derby. He buys beer and I like him already. We have banter and another but I'm beginning to feel weak - I need sustenance and so we leave most of them there and go off in search of a chippy. From the pub / station you can walk along the seafront, across a footbridge and arrive at the ground but we cut through across the railway lines a little earlier and onto the main road where we find County Fish Bar. They do not disappoint. Final proof of the divine existence of Cod.

Grimsby Town FC is an old football league ground with the usual bunch of dedicated fans who have had to endure a pretty poor start to the season. They are a friendly bunch and hope that the coming of Burton Albion should be an opportunity for them to pick up a few points.

It's a disastrous start to the game when Krysiek attempts to clear a pass-back, hovers a little too long and it hits an advancing Grimsby striker on the back, looping into the goal. Burton are soon back in the game however when a Jimmy Phillips pass across the box is met confidently by "Ronnie" Corbett to make it 1 -1.

As has so often been the case, when Burton get it down and play they look unbeatable. Unfortunately we often look clumsy today and the "cod heads" really should have taken more advantage. The second and winning goal is a class attacking move - the ball is moved around across the Grimsby half and they fall over all around us. Jimmy, Jimmy, Oh Jimmy P, score a goal for me! Sublime finish into the roof of the net and an early candidate for goal of the season.

The rest of the game was frankly, poor and at best, average. It's a good job Grimsby are rubbish, but I suppose we do enough to keep them at bay. We sing the theme tune to "The Sweeney" as the Grimsby player of the same name steps up close to us to take a corner. We chuckle about this for some time. No-one else gets it. It was worth it anyway.

My man of the match: Jimmy Phillips. His first league goal, creates the other, was a constant menace to the Grimsby defence.

Coleshill 1 Burton 4

A lovely little ground and a nice club in Warwickshire greet us this evening. "How many coaches are you bringing?" asks the bloke on the gate. I presume he's not referring to our training staff and they are expecting a big crowd of travelling Burton support. Whoops. I mumble something incoherent and make my way over to the club house. They have put an extra outdoor bar area up next to the club and large burger van in addition to the usual tea bar. Oh dear. I'm feeling sorry for them already.

It's quite to shock to think that, for Coleshill, Burton are a "big" club now. And yet this is not far off the level of football I have been used to watching as a Burton fan over the years. Coleshill really shows Gresley up for the dump it is and they were destined "To the Conference & Beyond" according to a sign on their shed (clubhouse) not many years ago.
I lose my programme in the bar - when I go back for it I'm told that an old bloke picked it up thinking it was his. I chat to a local who is at his first Coleshill game. "What time will all of your supporters turn up?" he says. "They must be stuck in traffic". I wander off to mingle with a few Brewers fans behind the goal (few being the very operative word) and it is very much like the old days - nostalgic nonsense and only a cursory glance towards the football. The young female referee is admired by one chap (I won't mention names obviously) but I comment that she looks like a small boy. With long hair. And breasts. Well, sort of...
The game? Well Burton played a second string of sorts with only Greg Pearson from Sunday's starting line-up. Serge Makofo partners up front. Keith Gilroy makes a welcome comeback on the left and Aaron Webster is at left back. Stride and the other Aaron (Brown) are in the centre back positions and the young lad Guyett at right back. Goodfellow, Maghoma and Penn with Kevin Poole in goal make up the 11 starters.

Burton are not really giving it 100% and Coleshill are defending stoically. Gilroy shows a few moments of class and we dominate int he midfield without really producing much. Pearson is brought down in the box by the goalkeeper - clear red and penalty but we ask the ref to only give him a yellow and she obliges. Person gets his first of three from the spot and the second is similar when Russ Penn is brought down int he box by a defender.

Pearson completes his hat-trick in the second half with a placed shot. James Knowles make an appearance and there is also a short run out for Gary Rowett who jokes with us that "it's all going to kick off when I get on there" during his warm-up. Colehill get a deserved consolation goal as they don't let up second half but Aaron Webster charges into the box from deep, exchanges passes with Serge Makofo and scores number 4.

A reasonably entertaining evening. Coleshill can be very proud, both as a group of hard working players and as an excellent and welcoming club. It's a real shame more didn't make the short trip and I wish them every success for the future.

Coleshill Town vs Burton Albion (Birmingham Senior Cup)

Eee it's just like being back in non-league again! Tonight's trip to Coleshill almost has a nostalgic feel about it (although I don't think we have played there before). This is back to our roots, small crowds, quaint little grounds and basic grass-roots football. I fear a tear may fall into my Bovril at any point.

The Birmingham Senior Cup has for the last few seasons at least, been a reserve fixture for Burton Albion. In the past it has often been our only realistic chance of some silverware (along with the Bass Vase) and we (and our ancestors Burton Town) have a reasonable record. Albion have played in 6 finals, winning it only twice in 1954 against Brierley Hill Alliance and more memorably a 3 - 0 win against Tamworth in 1997. We were captained by Simon Redfern on that night and in a season where we won the Southern League Cup as well. Simon was an Albion legend who is still sadly missed by us all. He left us far too soon - how he would have loved to have seen how far we have come. R.I.P Simon.

Town also appeared in 6 finals but have lifted the trophy 3 times in 1926, 1928 and 1929. Not surprisingly, the two most successful teams in the competition are Aston Villa (19 wins) and Birmingham City (12 wins) who beat us 5-Nil in the 2008 final.

OK so here's how it works. 32 teams play in Round 1. Already through are such legendary teams as Cradely Town, Alvechurch, Sutton Coldfield, Tipton, Stourbridge, Romulus ("Ye cannae change the laws 'a physics captain!"), Leamington & Banbury. Oh and West Bromwich Albion as well. It's then a straight knock-out competition to the final. The other fixtures still to be played are:

Rugby vs Stratford

Boldmere St Michaels vs Walsall

Coventry Sphinx vs Nuneaton

Solihul Moors vs Birmingham City

Coleshill Town vs Burton Albion

Causeway United vs Highgate Utd

Tamworth vs Wolves

There. Everything you never needed to know about the Birmingham Senior Cup and couldn't be bothered to ask.

Burton 1 Rochdale 0

It's a lovely sunny Sunday at the Rubberdome (we share our stewards with Derby who played at home yesterday) and the visit of Rochdale to look forward to. It seems like we are always playing one of the teams who are doing well at the moment (with the exception of Macclesfield who we totally failed to finish off the way we should have done).

Rochdale are themselves flying high this season. Which must be pretty exciting for the "Dale" fans - in that they have never been outside of the bottom two divisions and are one of those clubs who were once saved season after season by the old election system of promotion / relegation to the football league.

Despite this apparent lack of any real success, they maintain a strong and committed fan base and we are expecting a few to turn up today. The Beech Inn is heaving with large Dale fans (there must be something in the water up there - malt, hops and yeast I expect) and it feels like we are the away fans as we sit clutching our plastic "glasses" of Pedigree. Some people are allowed real glass but apparently I look like the kind of person who would, without much provocation, be likely to smash it into your face.

We are one-nil up after 3 minutes, Richard Walker's shot taking a slight deflection after good build-up play by Greg Pearson. The Brewers look confident and assured against a very good Rochdale side. Good but a bit "cheaty". We are not talking dirty Accy Stan territory here. Just lots of shirt pulling, diving, holding - the sort of thing any decent referee would spot instantly and deal with quickly to stamp it out of the game. Unfortunately, decent referees are about as common as fossilised rabbits in the Pre-Cambrian geological strata. This lot are resplendent in bright pink which is only momentarily entertaining until they show such utter cowardice in the face of overwhelming evidence of Rochdale's "cheaty-ness".

Despite this, they are a good side and for the rest of the game they pummel Burton's defence at every opportunity. Guy "The Beast" Branston is unbeatable today though. Nothing gets past him, his distribution is excellent, his tackles well-timed and his heading powerful and accurate. The only time he is beaten for pace, Ryan Austin powers-in from the right and clears into Row Z.

There is a recall as well for wonderkid Jimmy Phillips who torments the Rochdale right back all through the first half and they have to kick him a few times to quieten him down. They do this in full view of the referee. In fact, they send a letter, signed and in triplicate to the referee and his assistants, detailing in 6 inch font and capital letters that they are just about to foul him, right now, just in front of you. Then get it announced over the PA and transmitted to the little earpieces they wear these days to "communicate" with each other. Then they shine a spotlight onto the pitch and a big Pythonesque hand appears pointing at Jimmy P saying "this one here" just before kicking his ankles. The ref pauses, thinks, ruminates, scratches his arse and gives the freekick THE OTHER WAY!

Still, you've got to respect them eh?

The mighty Brewers hold on, Branno gets a more than deserved man of the match and it's another 3 points in the bag.

On Tuesday, I will be popping down to Coleshill Town for the Birmingham Senior Cup game. You wouldn't want to miss that blog, shirley?

Burton 1 Macc Lads 1

Macclesfield's most famous export is The Macc Lads. They were a post-punk, hard rock band around in the 1980's notorious for the lyrical content of their material. I remember they were due to play in Burton but the nature of their performance led them to be banned. They responded by playing a gig on the back of a flat-bed lorry and driving around the town centre.



As teenagers we used to giggle when we heard their songs, as they talked of willies and bums and swore a lot. That's the kind of thing that teenagers find amusing. The musical version of Chubby Brown but without the wit. Listen now and what strikes you is how they are abusive and unfunny as some sort of compensation for a complete lack of talent. Tipton's "Cum To Bedlam" were funnier and even they had the grace to admit to their shortcomings. In short, The Macc Ladds were rubbish.

Last Tuesday, Macclesfield Football Club came to town to play Burton Albion. Macc are one of League Two's notorious and perennial strugglers and are not noted for anything other than battling but basic football. Their reserves visited the week before and left on the wrong end of a 6 - Nil pasting.

This evening, like the Macc Lads, Burton were rubbish. Lucky to draw 1 - 1 in a game they should have won. Our strikers didn't turn up.

Mind you, neither did I.

Bournemouth 1 Burton 0

Our shortest seaside trip this season takes us to sunny Bournemouth, it being next door to Boscombe which is in the heart of the Black Country in the West Midlands, which in turn is near Tamworth ("oor roight yow cum frowm Buscum"). Jo drives the Corsa space machine so I am on a near-lethal combination of various exotic psychedelic drugs. As such we are there in no time at all and the only really scary part was the hallucination of Sol Campbell signing for Burton Albion. Of course, I know he would never join a League Two club in reality, so I relax and watch the fairies dance with the orange frog.

Bournemouth is bathed in glorious sunshine on our arrival at the Bay View Court Hotel (a pleasant sea view, but smells faintly of wee. A bit like the Popside.) Time for a stroll along the beach and see what flotsam and jetsam we can pick up. The 1980's thrash metal band of the same name, featuring soon to be Metallica bassist, Jason Newstead, are nowhere to be seen, which is only very slightly disappointing in a "bugger me, it's Jason Newstead on Bournemouth beach!" lost exclamation opportunity.

Classically of course, flotsam and jetsam are two specific types of ocean debris from ships; the jetsam having been "jettisoned" by the crew and the flotsam lost as a result of unintentional loss, like a ship wreck for example. A bit like how Darlington find players.

AFC Bournemouth themselves can't even recruit the debris these days with a transfer embargo in place due to the usual financial gubbins which plagues football teams like swine flu in a lift, but against all odds they are doing very well indeed. Top of the table and putting in some great performances so far, the visit of little Burton Albion had the locals licking their collective salty lips in anticipation.

Scorched and parched, our own lips are mouthing "beer o'clock" and my announcement of a visit to the "Goat & Tricycle" is met by derision. A post-atripolistic remnant of my fevered imagination? At over £3 a pint, I wished it was so we make our way across town towards the ground.

Now Bournemouth is a lovely place and I'm sure the people are mostly a decent law-abiding, C of E and tea with the vicar (rather than C of T and "E" with the vicar) sorts of people, but our walk to the ground introduced us to the dark underbelly of the town. Sex Shops, massage parlours and "health spas" are much in abundance. If ever the collective pronoun "A bunch of.." was ever appropriate it is here. Someone's salty lips are not just due to the sea air. Fortunately, we find a friendly local pub "The Cricketers" before my morality is corrupted and chat with a few "Cherries" fans over a beer. They expect to win. They comment on my grotesque form; short, fat and ugly. They are a bunch of...cherries.

We lose our cherries and make our way to the ground, a three-sided affair like Oxford but with with less of a "once a big club" complex about it. It's a big crowd of over 6,000 - just the ticket for a Brewers side who appear to relish such occasions. Branno is suspended so it's Captain Fantastic Darren Stride who makes his full league debut and his 650th appearance for the club and a deserved start for Russ Penn on the right.

It's a great game, the ref goes off injured and Burton are not overwhelmed. Indeed, they play the better possession football for much of the game despite a very strong, fast and technically proficient Bournemouth team. "Bloody rubbish Albion" comes the shout from one brainless wonder. He must have come on the coach as he would have never made it here on his own. The sort of gormless retard who relishes travelling hundreds of miles to be a miserable, moaning and clueless git. I'm ashamed to sit in the same stand as him. Neither side creates much in front of goal, Greg Pearson hitting wide from a gilt-edged opportunity and "Polski" Krysiek making a the save of the game being the best chances of the day.

It looks like a well-deserved 0 - 0 and our first clean sheet are on the cards until the 86th minute when Cherries striker Brett Pitman takes the ball on his chest 30 yards out and hits a wonderful volley into the top corner. Unstoppable and the cheer that goes around the ground is more relief than anything else. They know they have been lucky today, but that's what happens when you are top of the table.

Losing like that is gutting but there is still a lot to be optimistic about - Russ Penn looked sharp and dangerous and Darren Stride, my man of the match, did not put a foot wrong all game. Still a night-out in Bournemouth to try and enjoy but it leaves a nasty taste in the mouth.

So I hear anyway.

Brewers 0 Dagenham & Redbridge 1

Dagenham is a place in London. Most of the residents sell fruit for a living. And "a li'l bit a vis an vat". Dagenham & Redbridge are two football teams, which gives them an unfair advantage. Redbridge is another place in London. They walk a bit funny, with the hands clasping their lapels and the knees brought up very high with each step. They are able to do this as they all keep a £20 clenched between their buttocks. Or a "pony". I don't think any of them have a real pony between their buttocks but some may do. Redbridge is made up of three other football teams, namely Cockerknee United, Itwerememuvvas Albion and Queen of Eastenders.

All of the above are facts. Don't bother looking them up on Wiki. I deal only in facts here. A lotta people don't know that.

Another fing baht Daagenemm is they are looked after by a supernatural being; omnipotent, omnipresent and omniscient. While the rest of us have to just manage with the laws of physics, the Daaaagggeerrs have their own personal cockney god who takes time off from killing starving babies in Africa to help them win football matches.

Now some might think this sounds bitter. That the "lemons are particularly sour" today. That I just don't like losing fair and square guv. Nothing could be nearer to the truth. I fully expected Dagenham to beat us today and predicted 0 -2 or even a heavier defeat. The surprise was the manner of the defeat.

Burton made a change to the starting line-up, giving Richard Walker another chance to start up front and Robin Shroot onto the left wing, presumably in both cases to help us to hold the ball better when attacking. Dagenham started brightly and it was clear that they were very fast going forward, very strong and powerful. A stray back-pass from Tony James gifted them the goal in the first half, top scorer Paul Benson nipping-in and tapping the ball home. I felt sure that I saw the hand of an angel gently guide the ball into his path, but maybe it was just the pre-match Pedigree.

It looked like Burton's persistence had finally paid off 15 minutes later when Shroot got behind the defence and sent a ball across the goal. The ball was on the line, "Ronnie" Corbett slid-in and make a connection only to see the ball go sideways and out of play. It was impossible to miss. More divine intervention? Well I'm no expert, but we are sacrificing a goat this evening, just in case.

A few moments later, the Daggers keeper & performance artist Tony Roberts forgot the laws of the game and picked-up a backpass. Indirect free kick in the corner of the 6 yard box. The powerful shot of Ryan Austin. Unstoppable. But the Daggers had other plans. Time froze, the sky went black and a bolt of lightning shot out of the sky deflecting the ball away.

Well into first half stoppage time and Shaun Harrad is pulled down in the box. Penalty. But what's this? Roberts is performing some sort of ritual dance. Harrad is mesmerised and turns into a toad. Toads are rubbish at penalties and Roberts saves easily.

Burton continued to push forward at every opportunity but it was useless against a Dagenham team so possessed by the prince of darkness. On the hour, our own version of "The Beast", Guy Branston lunges at Paul Benson, breaks both of his legs and kills him. Dead. There is only one punishment for murdering a member of the opposition and a red card is dealt. Referee J. Waugh of South Yorkshire takes the number of the beast, which contrary to Revelations is in fact 20.

Then, praise the lord, a miracle! As soon as Guy is off the pitch, Benson is raised from the dead and looks completely uninjured! It's as if nothing happened. But if that doesn't convince you heathens and apostates then the next major incident is proof positive that Richard Dawkins is an idiot and that Einstien made it all up.

A through ball to Greg Pearson, but he looks like he might be offside, a quick glance at the linesman and the flag is down. Pearson takes a touch and looks up again. No flag. He takes the ball forward towards the keeper. No flag. The ball crashes into the net. No flag. The ref blows for the goal. No flag. The PA plays "Tom Hark" and the scoreboard flashes "GOAL!!". At this point the linesman returns from a different space-time continuum through a quantum singularity in the past and gives the offside decision. Stephen Hawkings - eat my faith!

Burton 3 Derby 0 (NIL, NOUGHT, ZERO)

It's ONLY a reserve fixture. It's ONLY a game. It's ONLY Direby, but in whatever game, for whatever reason, in whatever circumstances, you just gotta enjoy beating the sheepshaggers.

In this, our inaugural season in the Central League, and having already beaten Sheffield Wednesday at Hillsborough, our Reserves face their strongest competition ever. The opportunities for the players on the fringes of the first team squad, the budding youth teamers and the hopeful trialists are clear and so far, Gary Rowett appears to have done an excellent job.

Shane Redmond gets another chance to prove himself in the Albion goal, Stride, "Freezer" Goodfellow, Webster & Knowles have yet to really prove themselves this season int he first team andthere are a few trialists on show too.

We have seen former Ram Richard Jackson at right back and Aaron Brown in central defence before. Aaron in particular looked very strong in the "behind closed doors" friendly away at Ilkeston the other week which we managed to sneak into. Also back looking for a contract are Dutch pair, former Galatasary player Ferdi Elmas and Nick van "Dyke" Eijsden. Yet another Congolese player also makes an appearance tonight in the shape of Serge Makofo.

Derby reserves contain a few apparently famous names who apparently are rather good. I could look them up, but why bother. They were rubbish and didn't look bothered so why should I? All that money they get paid to do nothing has clearly left them apathetic and wasteful. In goal for Derby is Saul Deeney who we got rid of last season because he was so bad. The fact he is captain made it all the more ridiculous.

Let's not underestimate the Brewers here though. Goals from Elmas and Van "Dyke" must again raise a few questions as to whether we can really afford to push our budget that little bit further and make another signing. I'd question the idea of this whilst we still appear to not get very good home attendances, although I'd love to see either or both of these players at The Rubberdome as they have something a little bit special.

Albion's 3rd was a typically well taken effort by the excellent Russell Penn who has been unlucky not to play more first team football as yet. His time will come I am sure, although Radio Direby's Colin Gibson insisted on calling him "Sean Penn". Idiot.

Colin Gibson is one of the Direby fans who thinks that Burton are nothing more than a minor irritation to their plans for world football domination. They will no doubt be very quick to mention that this was "only a reserve fixture" etc.

Three- Nil to The Albion.

Let's all point and laugh at Derby.

Bradford 1 Brewers 1

The last time we visited Bradford was in 1995 in the first round of the FA Cup. We were a little non-league club playing in the Doc Martens Southern Premier League and Bradford City were the "giants" of League 2 and destined to become a Premiership team in 3 seasons time. It was a thrilling encounter with 6 goals (two from Albion legend Darren Stride, still club captain) in the first part of the game and Burton holding on at 3-3 until the final few minutes. Bradford's Ian Ormandroyd then mis-kicked a ball against the floor only to see it loop over the Burton keeper and into the goal. Jammy sods. Burton's Dougie Keast then hit the bar with the shot from outside the box. Jammy buggers. And we lost 4-3.


Our return on Saturday was with us as league new boys (How long do we keep that tag for I wonder?) and at very different looking surroundings. Half of Bradford's ground would not look out of place in the Premiership - towering multi-tiered stands down one side and across the goal. The rest looks like Accrington Stanley - the players emerging from a little shed to one side of the pitch. They must have forgotten to build new changing rooms into the massive superstructure when they built it.


I'm backseat driver today and annoy the hell out of Evans and Colston by informing them that, according to "Twatnav", they are going the wrong way and adding literally minutes to our journey. We are losing valuable drinking time here after all. Col finds a parking space near the ground but is very politely asked to move by a "local" who looks bigger than the three of us, as it is "his" parking space. We visit Haigey's Bar, which has (like most pubs in the area) Bradford fans spilling out onto the street. They are a friendly bunch though (probably as they don't see us, or our team as any sort of threat) and two pints of "Snake Oil" later we are ready for the short walk to the ground.


Only 400 or so Brewers have made the relatively short trip, which is disappointing, especially in a crowd of almost 12,000. "Is that all you take away?" (Clearly, yes.), "You must have come on a skateboard" (Clever), "There's only two of you singing" (In-tune anyway), "You're just a small town near Derby" (Ouch!) are a selection of the chants we endure or enjoy.


The only surprise in the line-up is the inclusion of Maghoma in place of Jimmy Phillips. We hope he is just having a rest and not injured.


First half and the Brewers look short on sharpness and pace and Bradford's midfield and forwards are finding gaps and getting at us but with little result. "it's a good job they're shit" I comment on more than one occasion, as they rarely test Kyrsiek in goal. Our few and far-between opportunities result in a couple of scuffed shots at goal and we appear to be struggling to get into our usual passing and posession game.


A nothing attack from Bradford leads to their goal as John ("Ohh Arr John McGrath") McGrath and Guy ("The Beast") Branston look at the ball in front of them and completely fail to do anything (like KICK IT! for example) leaving a simple tap-in for Gareth Evans (who is rubbish, let's be honest here) on 24 minutes. Rubbish he may be, but we are slightly more rubbish and go in at half-time 1 down and not looking likely to make an impact.


Not to worry. We never really expected anything out of this game. Bradford are on a winning streak and have the team and the infrastructure to expect to be in the promotion places come the end of the season. Last week was the equivalent of Man City vs Burnley. This is more like Liverpool vs Stoke City in Premiership terms. Evans buys me a Yorkie so things can't be that bad.


Second half sees Pesch trying out his "super subs" tactic once again, with the introduction of Robin Shroot for "Ronnie" Corbett, and last weeks goal hero Richard Walker for Greg Pearson and Marc Goodfellow for Jacques Maghoma. Walker makes an instant impact, getting to the ball first, holding it up back to goal to allow Harrad and McGrath more space coming forward and causing panic in the Bradford penalty area. It is he that creates the opening, cutting back for the superbly placed Paul Boertian on the left of the area to hit a curling shot into the far top corner - his fourth ever goal in 200 league appearances.



After that, it is just a matter of hanging-on for the point, although we still look to push forward and had the chance of nicking all three points when Harrad shot over the bar from Walker's cross and later when Shroot almost provided a gilt-edged chance in the closing minutes. A great point nevertheless - that's 2 in 2 games which we didn't expect. Back home to the Rubberdome next week to face high-flying Dagenham & Redbridge. Shirely it's unfair to have to play two teams at the same time? We shall see.

Derren Brown - The Lottery

I was really pleased to see that we had a new series of Derren Brown stuff on Channel 4 in September. I've followed his work for a few years and have always been impressed with his talent. I know that a lot of people don't like his arrogance, but for me it's a character trait which I find quite endearing. And it's just showmanship - like most of the stuff he does, it's not real.

For those of you who have never heard of the man, he is a magician. he claims never to use "stooges" or plants in his audiences and uses techniques of mis-direction, psychology, memory and conjuring tricks. He has always consistently denied that there is any such thing as being hypnotised and has said that he is no psychic and does not have any special abilities like those claimed by such charlatans. Nevertheless, his work is often jaw-dropping and leaves you mesmerised.

His most recent show started on Wednesday night, just before the lottery draw. he claimed to have already picked the 6 numbers which he hoped would match the 6 numbers drawn, he showed the lottery draw live on a TV and then showed us the 6 balls which had been sitting on a stand next to him all along. He got all 6 right. And then he told us that on Friday, he would explain how he did it. Look at it here on you tube if you missed it.

In the "explanation" programme, Derren took us through how people can be influenced to make certain choices when they are in heightened emotional states (especially fear), then went on to talk about patterns observable in random events (e.g. the toss of a coin) and then went off into a lot of gumph about "higher mathematics" and using a group of people to predict the numbers of the lottery using "Automatic Writing" and averaging up the results to give one prediction. He led his audience to believe this is how he "predicted" the 6 numbers for the Wednesday night lottery.

My first impressions are that he is taking the piss out of stupid people here. People will actually believe this stuff. Quite a few already believe in ghosts, talking to dead people, UFOs, alien abductions, virgin births, creation myths and that killing westerners in acts of terrorism will earn you lots of children to rape when you get to heaven as your reward. People are very stupid. If this is evidence enough, read some of the opinions on the Burton Albion message board after a defeat.

Derren Brown did NOT predict the numbers of the lottery. He made us THINK he had.

How did he do it? I don't know. If I knew, I might be as rich and famous as him. But here is the evidence:

a) There is a 14 million to one chance of guessing the six numbers. As Derren himself says, a healthy man has more chance of dying during the draw than actually winning it.

b) Guessing the six numbers on that particular night when the cameras were rolling? Even longer odds.

c) He never revealed the numbers to us before the lottery was drawn. He made an excuse that the BBC wouldn't allow it. This is rubbish. He was giving his prediction, not the actual numbers. And when he did this you could not buy a ticket as the machines had closed so there is no way it would interfere with the result.

d) He looks genuinely nervous and excited. Why? He's been planning it for months, it's live on TV, he'd risk getting it wrong? No way. All showmanship to make it more believable to the gullible.

e) In the explanation programme, he never shows his group of "special" people the actual numbers either - he works the averages out for himself and secretly selects the balls.

f) In the clip the camera is a handheld as we can see the shake. Nothing on the "set" moves. Why not use a fixed camera and avoid the camera shake?

g) In his own book "Tricks of the Mind", Derren debunks myths about probability and chance, automatic writing and so-called "higher mathematics".

h) In the explanation programme he tells us that his system "only works if it is not used for profit". Appealing to the religious morality of supernatural beliefs perhaps?

So what is Derren trying to do here? I think we need to watch the rest of the series as I suspect that he will have a wider and more important message for us. His next show is called "Control the Nation". I suspect that the whole series is about how we are "sold" information and that we rarely question it. Sceptics everywhere will be wearing their "I told you so" t-shirts. I must get mine out of the wash.

The pies, the pies...

Our shortest journey to an away game means we can go via public transport today. We can just hop on a bus at the end of the road and drive straight into Nottingham City Centre. Perfect. Except for all of the other people who decided to travel from Ilkeston to Nottingham at the same bloody time on the same bloody bus. We end up penned-in like battery hens between a group of giggling, mobile phone obsessed teenage girls and a family of Neanderthals who appear to need to shout at each other, swear at everything and berate their screaming children for not eating their Greggs pasties.

This doesn't bode well for an enjoyable day. Thrashed 5 - 1 by Chesterfield in the week and about to play against the richest club in the league - who are unbeaten and unscored-against at home this season. Notts County are the oldest football league club and we are the youngest. And I fear, like the scruffy kids on the bus, we are in for a slapping.

We dismount and wander down to the King William IV near the Ice Stadium for a quick pint of something rare and delicious before the walk to the ground. As we get nearer I realise just how close the two football grounds in Nottingham really are; Forest's City Ground just over the water from The Magpies' Meadow Lane. Smaller than the City ground but still impressive to someone used to travelling to Vauxhall Motors and Leigh RMI over the past few years.

There is a definate excited buzz about the place; 'pies supporters in their black & white stripes are in abundance and it's great to see so many youngsters and families enthusiastically supporting their club. Burton have been given the Jimmy Sirrell Stand, dedicated to County's most famous and influential manager - a Brian Clough character of sorts who took them into the old League 1 (now The Premiership) in 1980-81. There are about 1,800 Brewers who have made the trip over which is not a bad turn-out. The atmosphere is electric and expectation is high amongst the home fans; we appear just to be here for the party. Former Arsenal, Spurs and England player Sol Campbell is paraded onto the pitch before the match - a new signing for moneybags Notts and a sign of things to come for the club now bankrolled by a multi-millionaire oil baron with a penchant for wearing tea-towels and from a country where human rights mean very little if you are gay, female or just happen believe in the wrong type of sky pixie (or none at all for that matter). Sven Goran-Erricson is also at the club. Like Sol, he went to Notts County for the passion, the heritage, the challenge. The 5 yr £200,000 a week contract was just a bonus obviously.

Anyways, on the football:

It's a bright start for "You Pies" but Burton are playing much deeper than in previous games, defending from the front row and limiting Notts to moving the ball about in their own area. It's not pretty, but it's effective and keeping a clean sheet today would be a major achievement for the Brewers. We go in at half-time nil-nil and most of us in the away end will go home happy with that. The natives are looking restless though and even the stewards seem to want to try and take it out on a few young Brewers fans who are doing no more than shout "Boo" Notts striker Lee Hughes - infamous for causing the death of a poor bloke when he couldn't be bothered to walk to the pub.

Second half and we go one-nil down to a ball over the top chipped-in from outside the box. It's clearly offside. Miles in fact. A dead-cert, stonewall, definate offside which only a man with a mixed green salad for a brain could have missed. Mr Lettuce of Tewksbury misses it. But that's only the tip of the iceberg.

Notts have adopted the standard League 2 tactic used when the wind is blowing away from you. "Kick the ball very hard in the air towards the opposition goal and run very fast after it." must have been Sven's inspiring team talk at half time. Ulrika Johnson taught him everything he knows about football.

Burton soak up the pressure like a hot bath and despite Mr Cos missing out on the fact that "5 pints" Hughes was sat on top of the cross bar, he failed to raise his flag. The Burton crowd gave him the dressing down he deserved.

Peschisolido reinforces the Burton team with three substitutes and we look to go forward more, in search of an elusive point. John McGrath sets-up Richard Walker on the left, who cuts in past his marker, turns and shoots and hits the top corner of the net. Uuuuuuuuu-llllll-ri-ka-ka-ka-ka! Pandemonium in the Jimmy Sirrell stand as we celebrate like we've won the World Cup and the rest of the ground goes very quiet indeed. Maghoma still had time to see a shot bounce off the inside of the post in injury time but in reality, a draw is what the game deserved and we go home the happier bunch of supporters.

After the game, one group of Magpies fans are stating that they "Made Burton look good" and that "Wait until Sol is match fit". In the words of Lance Corporal Jones, "They don't like it up 'em Captain Mainwaring".

Spireites

Chesterfield is a lovely little town in the north of Derbyshire. One of it's most famous landmarks is the "Crooked Spire" of St Mary's Church in the centre of the town. There are legends associated with this impressive structure, but the most made-up and apocryphal of them all, is that it will straighten again as soon as the local football team score 6 goals away from home.
The Dulux Dog Tin Pot Cup is a competition which allows rubbish football teams to play at Wembley. As such, Chesterfield and Burton competed last night in the first round of this, unlike the spire, pointless event.
Hardly any of the Burton fans bothered to turn-up to the non-event, though clearly there is little to do in Chesterfield apart from looking at the sky, so quite a few of those made the journey, clad in their 1980's hairstyles and N.C.B donkey jackets.
Unfortunately Burton Albion also failed to turn-up. A gutless and shambolic display of disorganised, pedestrian defending helped The Spireites to tear us apart for 90 minutes. A second -half goal from "Ooh Arr" John McGrath might have given some impetous to push on, but even that didn't inspire the pathetic bunch of losers who are not fit to wear a yellow shirt unless it is the yellow shirt of cowardice.
In the end, we were thrashed 5 - 1. I'm sure another one went over the line, but the unfit assistant referee had about as much luck keeping up with Chesterfield's forward line as our back four.
It's his fault that the spire stays crooked. And Burton can "concentrate on the league". Rubbish.

Burton 3 Cobblers 2

I didn't see all of the film "Goal" on Bank Holiday Monday, but I did manage to catch the predictable ending where the "hero" scores the winning goal and his girlfriend (played by the utterly convincing Anna Friel) in the crowd cries and all of his team mates take back what they said about him being a useless donkey in training. I still cried, which surprised me. Suspension of disbelief may be necessary in fiction but having Newcastle United actually winning something tested it somewhat. You could tell Alan Shearer was acting though as he didn't actually elbow anybody in the face.
On Saturday, Northampton Town left -back, Billy McKay DID elbow "Ronnie" Corbett in the face. Twice. The ref didn't see it. Twice. But as one wag on the terrace at the Rubberdome commented after the match. "What do you call a Brewers player with two black eyes? Nothing, You've already told him twice."
Perhaps McKay was a little annoyed at his team going 3 goals down to a rampant Burton Albion side within the first 12 minutes of the game. I was only 2 bites into my pre-match pie when Shaun Harrad chased down a loose back-pass to the Cobblers goalkeeper, took it off his toes and neatly slotted into an empty net. One nil.
Minutes later Michael "Simmo" Simpson drilled a hopeful ball into the box which deflected off Greg Pearson's chest and past a hapless Chris Dunn to make it two nil.
I'm still searching for a trace of steak dna in my pie when Jimmy Phillips goes past 3 players, finds Simmo in space with a pinpoint accurate cross and the ball is smashed home. Three nil. 12 minutes gone. And that was that.
Except Northampton were looking for a Hollywood ending of their own and, the wind at their backs, pulled 2 back in the second half after an aerial bombardment and a questionable penalty. Burton held out to claim the three points and move back up to 8th in the table.
Next week we visit moneybags Notts County to enjoy the company of Sol Campbell & Sven Goran Ericson for the afternoon. I wonder what the 'pies are like?

Lincoln 0 Burton 2

Lincolnshire is very flat. Pretty but flat. Driving to Lincoln always fills me with dread. It feels like it's the worst place in the world to drive to. I don't know why. I went on the train once with my mate AJ (on a beer tour) and the train stopped at every farm from Nottingham to Lincoln. It was a pain in the ass.

We take the Scenic and we are there before we know it. Jo notices the cathedral on the hill but I gently remind her that we are here for the football - no time for any sightseeing or frivolous behaviour. This is serious.

So as soon as we are parked we head for the Golden Eagle on the High Street for a couple of serious pints of beer and serious cheese roll. And some serious banter with some of my serious football mates. Football is hardly mentioned but there is some serious mickey-taking and general all-round serious nonsense being spraffed and laughed. Jo sighs.

Not been to Sincil Bank before and it's one of those old grounds with new bits built on it and is comfy enough. The sun is shining, the Burton Boys are in good voice and Jo is feeling optimistic.

I speak with Burton manager Paul Peschisolido on the phone:

"Paul, it's Mark"

"Hi, awesome dude!"

"We need a little more strength in midfield to support the back four"

"Yeah, right, I'm with that, absolutely"

"So I suggest dropping Maghoma and bringing in Simpson to partner McGrath in the middle"

"Yeah, like absolutely, I read that in your blog"

"Cheers Paul. Love to Karen and the kids"

It works like a dream, with the additional change of Tony James at centre back, and "Ronnie" Corbett pushed up the right, the Brewers look solid and dependable. As soon as they settle and get the ball to feet it's looking very rosy indeed. Pearson and Harrad up front are on fire.

We take a one nil lead in the first half through a Ryan Austin header and the Lincoln players leave the pitch at half time to boos from the home crowd. Second half is all about hanging-on while they throw everything at us but Guy "The Beast" Branston is not letting anything get past and Artur Krysiek in goal is quietly confident.

On 94 mins the Lincoln fans are starting to filter out ("We can see you sneaking out") when Russell Penn's volley from outside the box majestically loops into the top corner and the trickle of red and white turns into a mass exodus.

Lincoln fans are apoplectic with rage at being beated by "an average leage 2 side". An average Laegue 2 side? I'll take that as a compliment - it's well above my expectations for this season! Up to 10th in the table and Northampton are next up at the Rubberdome.

Burton 0 Torquay 2

The last time we lost to Torquay we won this trophy!

A workman-like performance from Torquay ensured they came away from the "Rubberdome" with all three points against a Burton side who huffed and puffed but were ultimately left pig-sick.

Torquay, promoted from non-league last season via the play-offs and the venue for Burton famously lifting the Conference Champions Trophy back in April, have a habit of churning-out wins against us and tonight was no exception.
Burton fielded an unchanged side and Congolese International Jacques Maghoma ("What's that coming over the hill, is it Maghoma? Is it Maghoma?") was influential in midfield, tricksy and tenacious, he created chances early on for Greg Pearson and Shaun Harrad, but the final product was sadly lacking.
Torquay were certainly made of sterner stuff than Morecambe and pressed hard to take a two-goal lead in the first half; both in the scramble after set pieces where Burton cleared the first and second ball (How many balls are there?), but fell asleep for the subsequent hopeful punts towards Artur Krusiek's goal.
Second half, Torquay put 11 men and the tea-lady behind the ball, cleared everything we could throw at them into row Z and even the star quality of Jimmy Phillips ("Jimmy, Jimmy, Oh Jimmy P, score a goal for me!" ) couldn't get behind the defence and we finished with 5 up front, all hopelessly hitting long efforts at goal.
Jimmy P takes on the Torquay defence.
Once again, Peschisolido ("Peski-Soh-Lee-Doh!") doesn't appear to understand the concept of defending from midfield and whilst having so many attack-minded players on the pitch can make for an exciting game, we were always likely to get undone by not defending "the hole".
Most of 2,670 went away disappointed but not heart-broken. Away at Lincoln on Saturday. Ah the heady heights of "proper" football.

Burton 5 Morecambe 2

"Morecambe Welcomes Burton Albion To The Football League" was the banner displayed by Morecambe fans before the match, but they perhaps wished that their defence had not been so charitable. Burton were ruthless in attack but left a gaping hole in front of the back four which Morecambe exploited well, scoring twice and hitting the woodwork the same number of times.
Greg Pearson celebrates his first goal
Perhaps a little unlucky to come away without a point, but Burton striker Greg Pearson pulled them apart time and time again, proving that he's not just a non-league star.
The referee was excellent throughout keeping control of a generally good natured match without showing a yellow card, but Morecambe's Duffy lost his head with a two-footed studs-up challenge on Paul Boertian in the closing stages earning himself a straight red in the process.
Sammy McIlroy said of his team, "We made Burton look like Barcelona."
Ole!

Reading 5 Burton 1 (League Cup 1st Round)

3 goals in the first 9 minutes of the game ended it as a contest almost before it had begun. Reading were magnificent first half and Burton's defending was woeful. Second half, we started to match them and the introduction of ex-Stoke City winger Jimmy Phillips (who is surely destined to play in a higher division than league 2) introduced some stability to the team; his sublime finish from a tight angle after beating his man and cutting-in from the left wing gave us some cause for optimism.
We just have to hope that we don't come up against teams of this quality in League 2.
700 ish Brewers fans were vociferous and good humoured throughout, earning some deserved respect from the Reading fans I spoke to.
M40 shut so not home until 1am!