Chesterfield 5 Burton 2

A thousand Brewers made the trip to North Derbyshire and the land of the crooked spire. I used to live in Chesterfield but never made the time to watch the local football team. I was always driving miles down the road to watch Burton Albion instead.

I didn't miss much. This ground would probably get the club kicked out of the Conference never mind the league, though to be fair, a new ground should be ready for next season.

We are left on a crumbling open terrace with open-air toilets and a tea bar which makes my garden shed look palatial.

The last time we played Chesterfield at our place in the Auto Windscreens Trophy they thrashed us, 5 goals and could have a had a lot more, we looked completely out of place and they looked dangerous and fast every time they got the ball.

The exclusive VIP areas of the Saltergate Ground.

Of course, Burton have got much better since those early days of our virgin season and we have seen us build a solid defence to support our creative attacking play. No-one expected a thrashing today.

Very soon after kick-off you knew that it was going to be a bad day and as The Spireites went 2 nil up, there was a real sense that today was going to be a bad day at the office. Yet again, they destroyed us all over the pitch. It was quite depressing. So what to do when your team are getting thrashed? Take the piss out of the stewards and home fans of course!

The Chesterfield faithful go wild as the fifth goal goes in whilst the stewards get ready for the Brewers fans to "kick-off" on the terraces.

Despite being all over us and scoring five goals, the Chesterfield fans were, well, miserable. I'd hate to see them when they lose; the sound of wrists being cut must echo across the desolate landscape, only interrupted momentarily by the tolling of the bell in a bent church.

From "Diary of a Spirey"

"Ehh bugger, football team only won five-two and I won the lottery. But pits are still shut and Thatcher is still alive. I think I'll drink some bleach."

Perhaps the funniest thing was the amount of stewards and police who were there apparently to keep the animal Brewers fans contained and to prevent mass civil disorder breaking out. Every time one of the seven goals went in, thousands of the hi-viz soldiers descended upon us awaiting a pitch invasion, sporadic violence and spontaneous human combustion. Each time, not one of a thousand odd Brewers fans moved and the stewards and police looked - stupid. Superfluous and unnecessary, they even had more of them in dug outs along the length of the pitch, presumably reinforcements. "Come on Pru, it's all kicking-off in the Burton end!"

So we laughed at them. Pointed and laughed. And they tried to pretend they couldn't see us. And we laughed even more. I took photos and you can tell one of them was thinking "Is that illegal? Can I throw him out for that? Did he just call me a silly sausage? Is that racist?"

Rubbish match, rubbish ground, rubbish Brewers performance but a right laugh.

Spireites

Chesterfield is a lovely little town in the north of Derbyshire. One of it's most famous landmarks is the "Crooked Spire" of St Mary's Church in the centre of the town. There are legends associated with this impressive structure, but the most made-up and apocryphal of them all, is that it will straighten again as soon as the local football team score 6 goals away from home.
The Dulux Dog Tin Pot Cup is a competition which allows rubbish football teams to play at Wembley. As such, Chesterfield and Burton competed last night in the first round of this, unlike the spire, pointless event.
Hardly any of the Burton fans bothered to turn-up to the non-event, though clearly there is little to do in Chesterfield apart from looking at the sky, so quite a few of those made the journey, clad in their 1980's hairstyles and N.C.B donkey jackets.
Unfortunately Burton Albion also failed to turn-up. A gutless and shambolic display of disorganised, pedestrian defending helped The Spireites to tear us apart for 90 minutes. A second -half goal from "Ooh Arr" John McGrath might have given some impetous to push on, but even that didn't inspire the pathetic bunch of losers who are not fit to wear a yellow shirt unless it is the yellow shirt of cowardice.
In the end, we were thrashed 5 - 1. I'm sure another one went over the line, but the unfit assistant referee had about as much luck keeping up with Chesterfield's forward line as our back four.
It's his fault that the spire stays crooked. And Burton can "concentrate on the league". Rubbish.