Chesterfield 5 Burton 2

A thousand Brewers made the trip to North Derbyshire and the land of the crooked spire. I used to live in Chesterfield but never made the time to watch the local football team. I was always driving miles down the road to watch Burton Albion instead.

I didn't miss much. This ground would probably get the club kicked out of the Conference never mind the league, though to be fair, a new ground should be ready for next season.

We are left on a crumbling open terrace with open-air toilets and a tea bar which makes my garden shed look palatial.

The last time we played Chesterfield at our place in the Auto Windscreens Trophy they thrashed us, 5 goals and could have a had a lot more, we looked completely out of place and they looked dangerous and fast every time they got the ball.

The exclusive VIP areas of the Saltergate Ground.

Of course, Burton have got much better since those early days of our virgin season and we have seen us build a solid defence to support our creative attacking play. No-one expected a thrashing today.

Very soon after kick-off you knew that it was going to be a bad day and as The Spireites went 2 nil up, there was a real sense that today was going to be a bad day at the office. Yet again, they destroyed us all over the pitch. It was quite depressing. So what to do when your team are getting thrashed? Take the piss out of the stewards and home fans of course!

The Chesterfield faithful go wild as the fifth goal goes in whilst the stewards get ready for the Brewers fans to "kick-off" on the terraces.

Despite being all over us and scoring five goals, the Chesterfield fans were, well, miserable. I'd hate to see them when they lose; the sound of wrists being cut must echo across the desolate landscape, only interrupted momentarily by the tolling of the bell in a bent church.

From "Diary of a Spirey"

"Ehh bugger, football team only won five-two and I won the lottery. But pits are still shut and Thatcher is still alive. I think I'll drink some bleach."

Perhaps the funniest thing was the amount of stewards and police who were there apparently to keep the animal Brewers fans contained and to prevent mass civil disorder breaking out. Every time one of the seven goals went in, thousands of the hi-viz soldiers descended upon us awaiting a pitch invasion, sporadic violence and spontaneous human combustion. Each time, not one of a thousand odd Brewers fans moved and the stewards and police looked - stupid. Superfluous and unnecessary, they even had more of them in dug outs along the length of the pitch, presumably reinforcements. "Come on Pru, it's all kicking-off in the Burton end!"

So we laughed at them. Pointed and laughed. And they tried to pretend they couldn't see us. And we laughed even more. I took photos and you can tell one of them was thinking "Is that illegal? Can I throw him out for that? Did he just call me a silly sausage? Is that racist?"

Rubbish match, rubbish ground, rubbish Brewers performance but a right laugh.

Burton 2 Barnet 0

Well. Another three points. That's erm... a few we have now. Yep, it's only Barnet, but they are actually one of the better sides we have faced this season at the Rubberdome and this wasn't plain sailing.

We meet up in the bar with Andy B when I get the text saying that Macca is stuck on the M18 and Maghoma will start. We debate whether Russ Penn would be a better option to start - we're not convinced by Jacques. I'm most disappointed that the Burton Boys have still not sang my Maghoma song yet ("What's that coming over the hill, is it Maghoma? Is it Maghoma?").

I wonder why McGrath is stuck on the M18. Did he stop in Cleethorpes all week, eating fish and chips and playing on the mud with his bucket and spade? It's suggested that perhaps he lives that way, but I dismiss this as obvious rubbish. It's clearly a seaside rock fixation.

Aaron Webster gets his first football league start in place of the injured Boertian and it's great to see him back, although he has a tough act to follow.

Barnet look very dangerous but 8 minutes in that man Jacques Maghoma sends us into the lead - Walker playing him in on the edge of the box and he fires in off the post. Great goal. Can I hear that song? No.

The Burton Boys DO sing "It's just like watching Brazil". One of mine, shirley?

After that chances are few and far between and we allow The Bees to get too much initiative. The ref even stops play while a couple of them change their boots. It's a times like this that I really wished I did Ian Hawkins' job on the PA. "The 4th Official has announced there will be 6 minutes of extra time so that the southern softies can change their boots". Or even "The 4th Official has announced there will be a few minutes extra for absolutely bugger all. I have no idea what the tosser is doing either". I wouldn't have the job for long but think how much fun I could have. "This is the Rubberdome, this is League 2 and this is The Brewers and a bunch of cheating cloggers from god knows where. They look like a bunch of pikeys, oh shit, I think I've lost my wallet."

We hold on and Pesch decides on a 4 -5-1 formation, initially with Walker dropping back and later (late being the operative word here) McGrath replacing Pearson leaving Walker on his own up front. Glad you could make it Macca.

78 minutes and we gain a free kick 30 yards out and pretty central. Looks like a perfect Rhino-ball situation, and Ryan Austin dutifully steps up and smacks the ball 10 yards wide. Fortunately it hits a Barnet defender and deflects into the net to make it 2 - 0.

Not pretty but we go up to 8th in the league - equalling our highest position yet. IF we maintain our current points average per game we would finish with 73/74 points which last season would have placed us into the play-offs. Of course, this is all conjecture and football doesn't generally work like that. However, we have played some of the big teams already and our current form indicates that this is going to be a great season to be Brewer. Even better than last season? It is already!

Next week we visit the land of the crooked spire. Have your passports ready. I'm glad I'm out of Ilkeston(where I live) for the day as they will host Tamworth (my place of work) in the FA Cup 4th Qualifying round. Ilkeston in the first round of the FA Cup would do me just fine so ahem...Come on you Robins!

Grimsby 1 Burton 2

We travel up to Cleethorpes (or "Greater Grimsby" as Austin Mitchell used to call it) with Colston for company today, who is forced to sit in the back, listen to heavy rock music and be guided by "twat nav". I'm looking forward to the fish and chips mostly. In fact, Jo and myself have skipped breakfast to ensure that we are ready for what should be the best fish and chips in the known universe.

However, our first port of call is Cleethorpes Railway Station, right next to the "beach" - The No.2 Refreshment House is a pub plonked right at the end of the platform. Not to be confused with the much more easily found No. 1, No.2 is a real ale haven. Not surprisingly we meet up with a few fellow Brewers fans and also John, a mate of Colston who has come on the train from Derby. He buys beer and I like him already. We have banter and another but I'm beginning to feel weak - I need sustenance and so we leave most of them there and go off in search of a chippy. From the pub / station you can walk along the seafront, across a footbridge and arrive at the ground but we cut through across the railway lines a little earlier and onto the main road where we find County Fish Bar. They do not disappoint. Final proof of the divine existence of Cod.

Grimsby Town FC is an old football league ground with the usual bunch of dedicated fans who have had to endure a pretty poor start to the season. They are a friendly bunch and hope that the coming of Burton Albion should be an opportunity for them to pick up a few points.

It's a disastrous start to the game when Krysiek attempts to clear a pass-back, hovers a little too long and it hits an advancing Grimsby striker on the back, looping into the goal. Burton are soon back in the game however when a Jimmy Phillips pass across the box is met confidently by "Ronnie" Corbett to make it 1 -1.

As has so often been the case, when Burton get it down and play they look unbeatable. Unfortunately we often look clumsy today and the "cod heads" really should have taken more advantage. The second and winning goal is a class attacking move - the ball is moved around across the Grimsby half and they fall over all around us. Jimmy, Jimmy, Oh Jimmy P, score a goal for me! Sublime finish into the roof of the net and an early candidate for goal of the season.

The rest of the game was frankly, poor and at best, average. It's a good job Grimsby are rubbish, but I suppose we do enough to keep them at bay. We sing the theme tune to "The Sweeney" as the Grimsby player of the same name steps up close to us to take a corner. We chuckle about this for some time. No-one else gets it. It was worth it anyway.

My man of the match: Jimmy Phillips. His first league goal, creates the other, was a constant menace to the Grimsby defence.

Coleshill 1 Burton 4

A lovely little ground and a nice club in Warwickshire greet us this evening. "How many coaches are you bringing?" asks the bloke on the gate. I presume he's not referring to our training staff and they are expecting a big crowd of travelling Burton support. Whoops. I mumble something incoherent and make my way over to the club house. They have put an extra outdoor bar area up next to the club and large burger van in addition to the usual tea bar. Oh dear. I'm feeling sorry for them already.

It's quite to shock to think that, for Coleshill, Burton are a "big" club now. And yet this is not far off the level of football I have been used to watching as a Burton fan over the years. Coleshill really shows Gresley up for the dump it is and they were destined "To the Conference & Beyond" according to a sign on their shed (clubhouse) not many years ago.
I lose my programme in the bar - when I go back for it I'm told that an old bloke picked it up thinking it was his. I chat to a local who is at his first Coleshill game. "What time will all of your supporters turn up?" he says. "They must be stuck in traffic". I wander off to mingle with a few Brewers fans behind the goal (few being the very operative word) and it is very much like the old days - nostalgic nonsense and only a cursory glance towards the football. The young female referee is admired by one chap (I won't mention names obviously) but I comment that she looks like a small boy. With long hair. And breasts. Well, sort of...
The game? Well Burton played a second string of sorts with only Greg Pearson from Sunday's starting line-up. Serge Makofo partners up front. Keith Gilroy makes a welcome comeback on the left and Aaron Webster is at left back. Stride and the other Aaron (Brown) are in the centre back positions and the young lad Guyett at right back. Goodfellow, Maghoma and Penn with Kevin Poole in goal make up the 11 starters.

Burton are not really giving it 100% and Coleshill are defending stoically. Gilroy shows a few moments of class and we dominate int he midfield without really producing much. Pearson is brought down in the box by the goalkeeper - clear red and penalty but we ask the ref to only give him a yellow and she obliges. Person gets his first of three from the spot and the second is similar when Russ Penn is brought down int he box by a defender.

Pearson completes his hat-trick in the second half with a placed shot. James Knowles make an appearance and there is also a short run out for Gary Rowett who jokes with us that "it's all going to kick off when I get on there" during his warm-up. Colehill get a deserved consolation goal as they don't let up second half but Aaron Webster charges into the box from deep, exchanges passes with Serge Makofo and scores number 4.

A reasonably entertaining evening. Coleshill can be very proud, both as a group of hard working players and as an excellent and welcoming club. It's a real shame more didn't make the short trip and I wish them every success for the future.

Coleshill Town vs Burton Albion (Birmingham Senior Cup)

Eee it's just like being back in non-league again! Tonight's trip to Coleshill almost has a nostalgic feel about it (although I don't think we have played there before). This is back to our roots, small crowds, quaint little grounds and basic grass-roots football. I fear a tear may fall into my Bovril at any point.

The Birmingham Senior Cup has for the last few seasons at least, been a reserve fixture for Burton Albion. In the past it has often been our only realistic chance of some silverware (along with the Bass Vase) and we (and our ancestors Burton Town) have a reasonable record. Albion have played in 6 finals, winning it only twice in 1954 against Brierley Hill Alliance and more memorably a 3 - 0 win against Tamworth in 1997. We were captained by Simon Redfern on that night and in a season where we won the Southern League Cup as well. Simon was an Albion legend who is still sadly missed by us all. He left us far too soon - how he would have loved to have seen how far we have come. R.I.P Simon.

Town also appeared in 6 finals but have lifted the trophy 3 times in 1926, 1928 and 1929. Not surprisingly, the two most successful teams in the competition are Aston Villa (19 wins) and Birmingham City (12 wins) who beat us 5-Nil in the 2008 final.

OK so here's how it works. 32 teams play in Round 1. Already through are such legendary teams as Cradely Town, Alvechurch, Sutton Coldfield, Tipton, Stourbridge, Romulus ("Ye cannae change the laws 'a physics captain!"), Leamington & Banbury. Oh and West Bromwich Albion as well. It's then a straight knock-out competition to the final. The other fixtures still to be played are:

Rugby vs Stratford

Boldmere St Michaels vs Walsall

Coventry Sphinx vs Nuneaton

Solihul Moors vs Birmingham City

Coleshill Town vs Burton Albion

Causeway United vs Highgate Utd

Tamworth vs Wolves

There. Everything you never needed to know about the Birmingham Senior Cup and couldn't be bothered to ask.

Burton 1 Rochdale 0

It's a lovely sunny Sunday at the Rubberdome (we share our stewards with Derby who played at home yesterday) and the visit of Rochdale to look forward to. It seems like we are always playing one of the teams who are doing well at the moment (with the exception of Macclesfield who we totally failed to finish off the way we should have done).

Rochdale are themselves flying high this season. Which must be pretty exciting for the "Dale" fans - in that they have never been outside of the bottom two divisions and are one of those clubs who were once saved season after season by the old election system of promotion / relegation to the football league.

Despite this apparent lack of any real success, they maintain a strong and committed fan base and we are expecting a few to turn up today. The Beech Inn is heaving with large Dale fans (there must be something in the water up there - malt, hops and yeast I expect) and it feels like we are the away fans as we sit clutching our plastic "glasses" of Pedigree. Some people are allowed real glass but apparently I look like the kind of person who would, without much provocation, be likely to smash it into your face.

We are one-nil up after 3 minutes, Richard Walker's shot taking a slight deflection after good build-up play by Greg Pearson. The Brewers look confident and assured against a very good Rochdale side. Good but a bit "cheaty". We are not talking dirty Accy Stan territory here. Just lots of shirt pulling, diving, holding - the sort of thing any decent referee would spot instantly and deal with quickly to stamp it out of the game. Unfortunately, decent referees are about as common as fossilised rabbits in the Pre-Cambrian geological strata. This lot are resplendent in bright pink which is only momentarily entertaining until they show such utter cowardice in the face of overwhelming evidence of Rochdale's "cheaty-ness".

Despite this, they are a good side and for the rest of the game they pummel Burton's defence at every opportunity. Guy "The Beast" Branston is unbeatable today though. Nothing gets past him, his distribution is excellent, his tackles well-timed and his heading powerful and accurate. The only time he is beaten for pace, Ryan Austin powers-in from the right and clears into Row Z.

There is a recall as well for wonderkid Jimmy Phillips who torments the Rochdale right back all through the first half and they have to kick him a few times to quieten him down. They do this in full view of the referee. In fact, they send a letter, signed and in triplicate to the referee and his assistants, detailing in 6 inch font and capital letters that they are just about to foul him, right now, just in front of you. Then get it announced over the PA and transmitted to the little earpieces they wear these days to "communicate" with each other. Then they shine a spotlight onto the pitch and a big Pythonesque hand appears pointing at Jimmy P saying "this one here" just before kicking his ankles. The ref pauses, thinks, ruminates, scratches his arse and gives the freekick THE OTHER WAY!

Still, you've got to respect them eh?

The mighty Brewers hold on, Branno gets a more than deserved man of the match and it's another 3 points in the bag.

On Tuesday, I will be popping down to Coleshill Town for the Birmingham Senior Cup game. You wouldn't want to miss that blog, shirley?

Burton 1 Macc Lads 1

Macclesfield's most famous export is The Macc Lads. They were a post-punk, hard rock band around in the 1980's notorious for the lyrical content of their material. I remember they were due to play in Burton but the nature of their performance led them to be banned. They responded by playing a gig on the back of a flat-bed lorry and driving around the town centre.



As teenagers we used to giggle when we heard their songs, as they talked of willies and bums and swore a lot. That's the kind of thing that teenagers find amusing. The musical version of Chubby Brown but without the wit. Listen now and what strikes you is how they are abusive and unfunny as some sort of compensation for a complete lack of talent. Tipton's "Cum To Bedlam" were funnier and even they had the grace to admit to their shortcomings. In short, The Macc Ladds were rubbish.

Last Tuesday, Macclesfield Football Club came to town to play Burton Albion. Macc are one of League Two's notorious and perennial strugglers and are not noted for anything other than battling but basic football. Their reserves visited the week before and left on the wrong end of a 6 - Nil pasting.

This evening, like the Macc Lads, Burton were rubbish. Lucky to draw 1 - 1 in a game they should have won. Our strikers didn't turn up.

Mind you, neither did I.